-predictably unpredictable-

Moving blog!

2009-08-07T13:51:00.002+08:00

Instead of painstakingly editing my layout and content manually using HTML, I've decided to move to a new web hosting site, which by default- offers much better layout options.

http://picidwells.tumblr.com/

See you guys there from now on!

I rubbed my eyebrows then sniffed my fingers and it smelt like garlic!

2009-07-21T14:52:00.005+08:00

Don't ask my why- but my senses have gone haywire today.
My Caramel Cappuccino tastes like Durian too; (They're from 7 eleven, on a normal day they taste as good as a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato but only costs Rm2.20) but in spite these boohoo factors and the housecat that tried to suicide himself on my wira bumper but failed terribly; I consider the day triumphantly enjoyable.

Alright maybe its just proportionate to a blissful star gaze under the KL haze. It was really ticklish reading somebody's blog today (the name in which I would refrain from disclosing) not because of the lipsmackingly good content; but because its soo..... angry. Not the kind of heavy metal angry or murderious ranting angry; but the drama queen kind of absurd angry. Tsk.
It is a shame to find myself in some way; acquiring humor in coarse joking and demeaning sarcasm. Its always funny to laugh shamelessly to the nameless, the bimbo, the troll that lives across the street and the hingus dripping pimply guy that wears his pants higher than your armpits. I was taught that its not always about who we insult that matters; but its about what we lack in thanksgiving- reflected through the frustrations we speak.

sigh and boo.

Yays and Menang:
Is the treats I've been getting these few months. I won a trip to langkawi; my boss decided to give me RM220, and recently I won this:

God has been good:)

F for egg.

2009-07-21T10:24:00.001+08:00

Don't you just love retro stuff?

This so much the rocks!

2009-07-18T22:40:00.002+08:00

The Italia Mondial Classic in cream. It has a carved top, F holes, 2 wilkinson designed humbuckers, a piezo and 2 inputs; which means that it can sound like a smokin' electric and a super believable acoustic-plugged in.
And its cheap. *Twitches wallet and rubs chin*

Oooo Ouch.

2009-07-13T13:37:00.003+08:00

via ffffound.

ROTF custom repaints 2

2009-07-06T23:24:00.006+08:00

Legends figures- those miniatures you get in Petronas. Thanks to Nick for the lessons & paint; click for a larger view to do them justice!

ROTF custom repaints 1

2009-07-06T23:12:00.004+08:00

I didn't go for the national rabbit show.

2009-07-04T23:50:00.003+08:00

Maybe I'm just not that into bunnies. That aside; I've traded the time for much valuable lessons that are essentially crucial in my life right now.

I'd really like to commit the next 2 months to nothing but basics. That would probably mean shedding all complexities in my schedule, focus, work, life, fun, and all that...stuff. in knowledge that would mean forsaking the unnecessary information of things like... uhm. where & when the next sale is, whats in the latest lookbook for Revolve Clothing; and reading Transformers Wiki during lunch and tea break.

That would mean putting all my changgihmanggih projects aside and finish the tedious mundane chore of filling up my timesheet, attendance list, class observation forms and snorey whorey paperwork.

That means no window shopping. No more weekend long lunches, bargain hunting, thrill seeking.

Getting back to the simple foundation of living without clutter isin't easy. But it just has to be; the anchor of 24/7. Basic drudgery, empowers on contrary. Sometimes its so hard for a person like me who craves spontaniety to lay down that kind of dicipline. But aih; what to do. every minute now... counts. And of course every minute well spent; frees us from the other minute spent of the thought of things undone.

"You all" seem to have struck me on my left pulmonary.
Its so easy to set ourselves apart from the team whenever something wrong happens. "we all" is when we're trying to delegate. but when results don't show, "we all" seems to drift to "you all", because we're usually the first one to forgive ourselves; therefore now setting ourselves against what wrong the team has done. Its so deceptive sometimes.

3 places to find love.

2009-06-26T03:00:00.004+08:00

1.
I love the silence of the night. The chilling wind under the moonlight tszuj-ed with the misty greenish scent in the air is the perfect setting for reflection. If you're into those kind of things.

2.
I'm such a big fan of dresses- Tea dresses especially. I really think its the closest thing of being modest and sexy at the same time.

via shopaholicsu

3.
I miss the chatty, witty and gritty fun of my long lost campus life. Everytime we come together again I feel that we could almost pick up where we've lost. Its just something unexplainable; you see each other almost everyday till the point that most days you wake up forgetting to put on your mask.

How is it possible to break someone's heart that you've also melted?

2009-06-18T19:48:00.009+08:00

Makes sense, no?

Words, mere words. Some phrases are full of irony when you put them next to each other yet they appeal indefinitely once isolated. We're all swayed by perception and all the fleeting moments where reality seems so proportionate to what we feel most intensely about.

At least, thats how I dissect some rants.

Meng just implored me to have a raincheck on how the Degree Programme is doing. Its good to hear once in a while that at least someone has an opinion; because at least someone cared. I'm constantly having this at the back of my head too. You feel alittle bit like a captain on the deck, steering the rudders of an education programme towards the course that would lead your people where they (think) they would like to go. Or maybe have a taste of a deity; if you feel that every decision shapes destiny.

Pedagogy is tough. Andragogy is unpredictable. Even tougher, is handling both with a balance-because people can learn "because", or "in spite of"; someone else. But how do you determine where those pieces are played on the board? Education itself; is a very tricky business. Because customers are not always right; and most of the time- your customers don't realise that unlike most other service sectors out there; "comfort" and "immediate satisfaction" isin't the priority. How can we lead others to somewhere they wouldn't like to go (even though that's the place where people should be)?

We're trying to churn abled people not just for the industry; but to also be able to take life once they graduate. Or at least thats what we tell ourselves. After all; skills of trade last only for the next 35 years, while some lessons last a lifetime. And just as much as muscle is built by weight resistance, character is developed through opposition. but of course; not everyone is up to that anymore.

We're probably at the age where convenience compensates incompetence.

Gone were the internet-less days; the squeeze every drop out of the library days; the pauper's chipelak reading in kinokuniya because he can't afford the design book days; the desperate drive out to the far ends of the town to hear some famous guy talk about how to make things pretty days. Because nowadays all things come about easy, and easy things are all cheap; things handed out on the silver platter is not valued either.

I'm prolly beating this dough of a thought too much that its completely dried up by now so... aper nak buat nie,
Saya tak tau,
memang tak tau,
tak tau,
tak tau,
tau tak.

I like to point the direction, and then get out of the way. But nevertheless; its inspection time tomorrow!

I'm like, aiyo.

2009-06-15T10:02:00.005+08:00

Have you ever woke up in the morning with this nagging feeling that there's something in your life that's left undone? Its like this weightiness you feel when you've forgotten to bring some important book/ homework to school;
or the zesty uneasiness you get like a spicy nut trapped in between your butt after a morning expedition to the lavatory where you prematurely sliced your williard off before you get to the tip of the chocolate ice cream swirl.

Anyways.

Somedays you just have to pray for peace. And some days you're kept to the edge of your seat of what "All things work out for good" really means- because you don't know exactly how that's going to happen; but somehow you just gotta believe that it will.

On a separate matter;
Mom was eavesdropping my telephone conversation last night. She couldn’t-ve picked a better time to give me a semi-lecture on budgeting my phone bill while there was a heated phone conversation going on at the other end. And whats even more amazing is that this morning at the breakfast table, she actually pointed out that I sounded quite upset over the phone and was wondering what as going on.
Not like, the transparency & privacy thing bothered me; but its more like how two things came in together sans the presence of tact; plus the phone bill thing was never an issue until last night.

This,
together with the time where I was really kept in suspense with my adrenalin-laded bloodstream restrained in a stifened composure as my eyes were glued on to the computer trying to redeem me and my team mates from being slaughtered by a well coordinated gank; and then mommy coming in asking me "So what can I pray for you?"

really wants to make me laugh out loud at myself.

I find it amazing at quarter-life, surpassing the teenage and college years and your first job; there's just this little kid in you that you can't purge off your parents head. If Hollywood made a movie of me I could related myself to Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch; sans the looks and chest hair. Alright, maybe not that. Maybe I'm Lars, the guy Ryan Goosling played in Lars and the real girl. That I'm so disconnected and enstranged from the real world that my mom (the embodiment of Lar's sister in law) has to go to extreme measures just to relate to me; Lest my socio-phobic tendencies drive me to extreme isolation & disillusionment.

My whole conviction of living together with my parents at this point wasn't so much about the convenient factor or the pleasantries that my mom & dad could offer; but more because I was hoping that this would help me relate with my family better. After all; its only a small fraction of life that you get to stay with them, and after that a major portion is prolly spent away after you start having a family of your own. So instead of craving the freedom which is inevitable anyway; I'd rather work on whats in the long haul where you don't have to look back and wished you could've spend more time with your folks.

Obviously sometimes it just feels like its not working out. So...
sometimes its just this horrible affair that we get into. The tenacious vigor of youth trying to conquer the world with idealism and all that.

lah.

The moments we steal from each other.

2009-06-06T01:45:00.004+08:00

and sometimes when we look amongst the vast crowd of people to catch a glimpse of each other; the only appropriate response, is a smile.

I wonder why I pretend to not take notice sometimes. Maybe its out of embarrassment of what a smile would mean. Or that the world might be observing that private moment with scrutiny and false judgment.

Paranoia.

I dreamed that I brushed my teeth and my breath smells like orange.

2009-05-28T14:40:00.003+08:00

and I'm soooooo sleepy right now.

What Mrs. Evan would wear V2.0

2009-05-19T17:57:00.002+08:00

Recently shopaholicsu has been bringing in stocks that have been driving me crazeh! Click the link to have a look at their stuff yourselves!

I needed to find out how uncommon we all are.

2009-05-15T23:35:00.005+08:00

I found this a rather interesting topic to talk about over tea with a tight group of friends. or perhaps a casual conversation over a small cell.

Whatever happened to your first love?
You really do get a mixed set of responses. Some stirs unresolved notions that are silenced not because they're strong enough to deal with them- but because they're too tired to see themselves looking weak. Some fortunate ones come with good closures. Some just fell in love with the memories too much they can't possibly get over the people the build out of their own past.

Reading these feels good sometimes. Not because it answers our questions; but it merely puts us in a mirror against the reality of another life. And as how you think that its perfectly acceptable for another to feel that way; you learn to accept yourself as well. The question of "whats wrong with me?" would bother us less, and hence we stop striving the tiresome pretense of trying to look complete.

So I asked the Lord once; that christian or unchristian, we're all human. And how does the Lord answer to such an intangible need to feel complete in spite of an irrevocable past; is not through something that we can earn through doing. But if you could imagine; how heaven would be if you were to meet someone from your history. Every hurt and sin; would be too insignificant to be accounted for. there is no reason for a cold war or an argument; because every reason lies in love.

I try to imagine such love not as something attempted; but its just something that overwhelms you because of the confidence that you have been accepted. After all; you're in heaven anyway.

But down here on earth; where insecurity still gets in the way sometimes- I still choose that all things are possible; and to seize every opportunity in the rightful claim of heaven's possibilities on earth today. Love is possible.

20 words.

2009-05-09T10:50:00.001+08:00

won me a trip to Langkawi.

Mengantuks Monday.

2009-05-04T18:03:00.003+08:00

I don't like the tandas in Sunway Pyramid.

Above each of the urinal there's a sign that reads: "This is a waterless urinal, designed to conserve water." Yup, conserve water AND oxygen- Because we all have to hold our breaths while we pee. Added to the extra grossness, is while you're showering unto the ceramic bowl stained with dried urine from the previous patron, you can't help but think how the steamy warmness that is consequently felt on your face; is also a vaporized concoction brewed from yours and another man's waste. Now if that does not sound disturbing, I think you oughtta stock up some prozac.

I seriously recommend the toilet bowl. Of course I don't consider this a rant-Not unless I'm absolutely disgruntled about the amenities Sunway has to offer. Cuz I guess they came a long way ever since my highschool days where any mall loo would feel like a desolate wasteland... so I just hope this move doesn't kill people.

In another separate matter; the thought of the August deadline really freaks me out. Like crazy. Like reaaaally psychotic, neurotic, pandemonic, cuz I feel like its the first time I might fail something academic related.

I feel like a fool; and totally inadequate; yet at the same time totally incapacitated to finish my projects... and if I'm in a movie, I'm the dumb girl/nosy guy/ nerd boy/ black dude that gets killed* by ignorance, curiousity and paralysis- in that order. Everybody would comment on how dumb and foolish and deserving of a horrifying death these people are (including me) but this time I'm assuming that role in real life myself.

its time I carve out a dunce cap from my ceral box. Lord help me.

*first, usually- ushering the screen appearance of the monster/killer/alien/dark omnious entity

May Day.

2009-05-01T13:05:00.003+08:00

tolong isikan.

I dug my nose on a friday morning and it smelt like tomatoes.

2009-04-28T00:22:00.007+08:00

I just stepped out of a warm shower. The cozy afterfeelings paired with the scent of my rose milk shower gel aside; I became aware that somehow- along the way; the desire of "finding myself" has slowly ebbed away as I have "yielded" to the drudgery of life.

Everything that "I" have realized, seems to be less important now. The restless pursuit for epiphany and purpose has slowly become diffused by the clock that's ticking away. "I'm not going to be here for long," I tell myself. Life does not begin when I'm happy, or I have a sense of achievement, or when I have what I have or what I want or what I need. It does not begin from purpose. It just is. Like how time, is.

Reality and realization, are mutually exclusive. Just like how time and purpose is. It happens or exists whether we're happy or more well informed. But of course most of us are having a problem with it.

Maybe thats why being twentysomething; we make a big deal of ourselves. We want to be sure about what we're going to do with the rest of our lives, and we want to be sure of what to believe in. Sure about life partners, sure about what to study, sure about our careers. And we're only like that because we believe we have the luxury of time to do so.
But everything in life suddenly becomes so embracable when we don't have the time to be debatable.

I'm alittle bit lost right now. To explain myself, and to explain religion. Might be a really pathetic excuse for me to say this so that I can be evasive towards apolegetics, but maybe because of the lack of knowledge thats all I can be. Maybe if I could explain 6 billion people, I could explain God. But I can't even explain myself, whatmore the God that created everyone in His own image.

xing
bip
wek
ling.
yawn.

And even harder to believe, is a loving God.
I'm staring at a milky patch on the parquet floor in my room, thanks to the hingus I splattered on a weepy day. Possibly it came from a journey of me finding it hard to understand what being loved meant when things aren't going the way it should. Nobody's foreign to how that feels; irregardless of what caused that. But only a handful would decide that being loved by God is enough; and that love would overrule all other unreceived loves.

God's-love-is-Enough.

That's hard to believe. That means whatever that is rightfully ours, whatever that is needed, whatever that should have been, will be taken care by that 1 love that would put every other loves in place. Even if you're too ugly to be loved, or that you've done everything you can to deserve love and not getting it; at the end of the day: not being loved... its ok.

I think its not a question of esteem, or a question of masochism. You can't be a footrug or a skeptic to believe in such. And neither can I bring myself to believe it somedays. But everytime something pushes us to have to think of that as the last option... something dies. and that thing is spelt:
M-E.

Trials, bile & smiles.

2009-04-09T13:10:00.004+08:00

This morning I was flipping through the files of some applicants for a scholarship. Am amazed by how some families manage to survive with such low income. And with a Caramel Macchiato worth 5 packs of chicken rice in Penang on my hand; every sip reminds me that frugality is a choice; and that every good steward of money should not be driven by desperation; either through lack or through lust.

My pants is exceptionally loose today. Stomach must have been digesting my fats excessively throughout the night.

Its amazing what a smile can do in the morning. Especially during a lethargic day.

from SLRs to SLRs.

2009-04-07T23:22:00.008+08:00

Single Lens Reflex.
It has been quite a while that I have been touching anything 35mm, and by now the lenses on my SLR is sitting at home like a petri dish culturing a home grown antibiotic farm. Hardly been finding the motivation to load up the 2 rolls of expired film since my uni days due to the cost of developing those stuff until I found this hidden in my dad's hidden stash of lost causes:
I wanted to take this baybeh to Penang for a shutter spree; but couldn't find a cam shop that sells the batteries for it. A 42 mm F1.7 fixed lens parallax camera is gonna be sweet.

Single Life Reflection.
I joked with my mom this morning, asking her if she would be worried if I never get married and the family name dies with me. Mom said while she does pray for me to find the right one (yay for praying moms!) she wasn't really concerned at all whether I have kids to carry the family name or not. Ceh.

I'm at the age where you'd turn left and right and notice all your friends either getting hitched, married or spawning. While age & time is never my concern (being a guy means your options get wider as you grow wiser); I've become more self conscious about myself the more people I meet out there. Perhaps... my perception of "choosing" has been loosing its grip; because rather than having this will to "look out", I'm now more inclined to look within.

introspection before inspection, I'd call it.

I've concluded that most of the admiration I have encountered have made me see them as heroes, (superwomen with super talents and super kindness imbued to them) more than people I'd like to date; and maybe somehow I felt that loving them deservingly would be too much of a task for me to handle at this point. Has insecurity crept up to me? Hmmm. Well; prolly not to the extent that I think my only viable soul mate is the common tapeworm. Possibly, its just a foretaste of the better things to come. To know that all good things come from God and that its just too hard to imagine ourselves "earning" anything. Not that lasses are things, but you get my point.

blah.

Cubicle Thursday.

2009-03-26T17:42:00.004+08:00

This is what I eat,

This is what I like;

and this is what I face everyday.

Kingdom Nihilism.

2009-03-21T20:51:00.006+08:00

I flipped my prayer journal today and couldn't believe it was almost 6 months since my last entry. Procrastination has eaten its way through the could've-existed-entries; and for me to recall every single one of them seems abit.. futile.

Its hard to imagine anybody interested to read about my life. Perhaps that's one of the things that have stopped me from writing so much on the blog recently; knowing that if there's anything important that I would like to put in words, there's a private book that comes in handy anyway.

I'm getting a bit bored with life. Not bored in a sense that I loathe it or find it unchallenging; but just a slight sense of momentary distaste with the drudgery of "young adult fun". Seems like a broken video tape playing in my head to plan what to do with my weekends. And when it boils down to the achievement factor it feels that it ultimately amounts to very little. Of course maybe it should be rightfully so for most people, especially the "unsettled" ones that are just squirming through the tunnel of their quarterlife crisis. After all; what happens after people finally nailed those settling moments where the torrents of career 'uber'-ness has finally receded and the conquest on the snowswept mountain of true love has finally settled itself in the cords of marriage? They stop having to strive for the thrills of being happening. In fact; that's the time people don't mind shedding that bit of them away.

It probably comes to a point where people start thinking that they deserve a little bit of comfort; and the idea of large group fun has expired, and when a new member of the family starts coming into the picture; maybe women don't fancy knights in shining armor that much anymore other than their cockroach slaying skills.

Somehow this monotony of predictability has its own variances; it seems that almost by default the surface level of one's life in this city; in an average-affluent state; will almost run the course similarly on the relational level. And maybe so, because to most of us; Heaven is the most boring place to be that we have to somehow make the most out of it on earth before we all expire as misty ethereal.

Heaven is a pie in the sky where the karaoke doesn't have anything but Jesus songs to sing along. And there's no time to change or shop for clothes because its like a Hillsong concert that lasts till eternity. You don't sweat because you don't stink; and there's no way to show of the curves 'cuz everyone's wearing this big white cloth that's just fitted over your head. No time to cut albums, no cookies to bake, no paintings to paint, no aspects of indulgence.

Of course between a choice of being eternally boring or eternally burning people would choose the former. Though I suppose what people really want is the life on earth sans the misery.

I suppose thats what "the Kingdom of Heaven is here" means. Its about everything that we were meant to enjoy on earth without futility overtaking us. And while a portion of it exists within our hearts today, one day- where a different manifestation it would probably never be the boring white hall with fluffy clouds floating around. Probably a Starbucks around the corner; and maybe a Max Brenner which I prolly have no chance of tasting on earth. I'll be chomping on Trader Joe's bittersweet blocks without ulcers popping out; A Ferrari on the front porch; and I'm walking down the street with a brand new pair of Lacoste. Things that our fallen nature couldn't take without drawing false identities around the things we own. And once we're "found", things are there for our enjoyment.

Its a different set of principles that govern things up there; perhaps maybe we're called to live it down here today to have a foretaste of those things to come. Sometimes it just makes you want to live; and other times that's the only reason we have a little confidence in what the future holds.

weee!

Esoterical Single Sentence Story.

2009-03-02T11:42:00.011+08:00

Entropy.

2009-02-25T00:02:00.005+08:00

Not picking up from my previous post; because apparently- today I'm in the mood for a serious tone.

Yes- as the title suggests; there seems to be quite a bit of random degeneration in certain areas of my life. Though it sounds quite depressing; I choose to see it as a good platform for better change. Reflecting on my ministry & work, I don't think every portion is effectively growing as I would like to see it. In fact some has been quite stunted; and I feel that maybe I should release some for the betterment of others to take it up and fly with it.

Perhaps the sign of overcommitment; is that thought the giving of my best; I feel that its always in bits and pieces everywhere. Its like you're this slice of couture cake sitting on a plate waiting to be fed to a bunch of ravenous starving children. Tasty but never enough.

I'm borrowing the title from Switchfoot's album; calling this "the beautiful letdown". Because in this process I learned about life, and life is about choices. And sometimes we can choose everything and realize we never really had anything in the end except a hand stuck in the cookie jar. People say "take one at a time." But what if you have small hands and a big mouth? What if the issue is not about the cookies in the jar, or the size of you hand, but the TIME you have with the jar?

And as I force my hand out of the jar; I watch the cookies as they snap into bits and crumbs. I pulled out my hand, all red and sore; slurping the cookie bits and catapulting chunks of it with my wriggly tongue into my mouth I wonder... is that how people should live right now?

I kinda lost track of the number of cookies I've actually ate. Coming back to the point; maybe life at some point; is beyond definition. Who you are and what you do. And I don't think "purpose" or "vision" or "calling" is defined by that ONE THING. In fact the thing most people search for is "to leave the house to a job they like and come back to a home with the people they love". Thats, the definition of "vision".

There's why I suppose; I'm beginning to learn that there's no "one cookie". There's a grabbing whole; a breaking apart, a forcing through, and a pulling out to see whats on your hand. And perhaps all thats left would be the very things I should focus on.

Thats the breakdown, the decay, the decline of things not working out that I'm going through now. The entropy that birth a tad of self discovery.

lasses and molasses (pt1)

2009-02-15T21:06:00.004+08:00

Schorites, Eienschtienz. Icth anothersch edizion of life echquazions and metaphors schfor you.
I spent quite a bit of time perfecting my Russian accent so ya'll jolly good be makin an effort trying to understand that lot aaight?

So what are molasses? they're thick, brown, fragrant, gooey, sweet syrup that's produced in the sugar manufacturing process.
Now, for the equation. If lasses = molasses, then lasses =
thick
brown
gooey
fragrant
sweet
syrup.
Now most of them do not really apply to human personality traits except perhaps- sweet. Although I like the idea of lasses that comes in syrup form so you can store them in airtight containers and chuck them in a cupboard. Then when life becomes a bit flavorless you take em out, pour em out and wee! then quickly put the rest back before they oxidize and become sour.

right.

so I was saying, that the most appropriate parallel, is that lasses are sweet.

Latest Muse.

2009-02-14T14:57:00.002+08:00

The quickest growing vintage and preloved fashion community right here.

We're all on a tight budget right now.

There's a prawn behind the rock!

2009-02-05T22:23:00.011+08:00

So goes the good ol' Malay saying. Means to say that there's some kind of ulterior motive behind something. Ulterior motive = Prawn.

But prawns are dumb. Hence ulterior motive = dumb.
Prawns are tasty too. Sambal, sweet and spicy, buttered, oatmeal fried and sushi-fied.
Prawns are fast. Unlike their dumb lobster cousins they don't snap their egoistic claws trying to do damage to huge lumbering but dexterous creatures like naughty boys with a net going for a swim cum see-who can-catch-the-coolest-critter fest.
Prawns are cute. Every animal that has irises for eyes and minimal whitey parts, are cute. Refer to hamsters. adorable.
Prawns are hardy, albeit soft in the inside. Just like a good drill sergeant or a football coach in an American made movie.

But today, lets focus on point number 1. That prawns=ulterior motive= dumb, and the following story elaborates on that.

Its lunchtime, and everybody knows that Man & Lunch=Inseparable. While I walking and in deep contemplation of what to eat; at the corner of my eye- I saw this young lad dressed in an oversized Padini oxford shirt with dangle-y long sleeves fluttering loosely like a twisted flag- in motion of his brisk walking... towards me.

As I scanned quickly the pile of very colorful documents & file with a "BBQ plaza logo" on his hands, I concluded that he was trying to coax/ sell/ give/ barter/coerce me into some business proposition. Therefore, my medula oblongata, which I totally have no control over-sends a series of electric pulses to my nerve cells over to my leg motor muscles, telling it to "walk faster and avoid confrontation."

And as he was about to intercept my path; my palm launches out as my last line of defense with my mouth saying "no thanks", successfully deflecting the opening line found in "the essential guidebook for all aspiring fresh SPM graduate-turned salespeople."

and as I gracefully escaped from my stunned predator, I could hear a pitiful yet resounding tone behind me,
" I only wanted to say hi..."

right.

Actually I have no problems with salespeople wanting to sell stuff. I have no comments about the way they do it. No sir-ree. If you brown nose or louse or pose your way to the top, I don't care. But if someone blows your rock away, there's no use comparing how much similar the content of calcium in your hide is from the composition of the rock you're hiding behind.

We are who we are. Sometimes we're wanting something that makes us looks like weak, squishy and leech-y worms but too afraid to admit it- that we use tougher walnut shell-like "just wants" claims as if its the right of life.

Like when people say that they: "Just want to feel welcomed", really mean "I want an approval of my presence above carbon monoxide."
or "Just want to get over stuff", when they really mean that they're afraid, and that they want you to stop talking about things that they're afraid of.

And we put the blame on people. That they didn't do their jobs the way they should. That they react wrongly in every manner and every way atrocious to mankind.

Maybe its time we stop hating the person that topple our rocks. As invisible as some prawns are, they do exist. The cake might be a lie but the prawn is not.

Maybe having prawns-no matter how weak they seem, is perfectly ok at some point of our lives.
They're not very huggable, but embracing them as part of the ecosystem of life; might mean that at least the very mess of life, is being excavated by this tiny little filter feeder.

And medula oblongata, is the tiny blob that controls the autonomous functions in your body like your heartbeat. Perhaps- I was lying about the leg-motor nonsense:)

Tagged,

2009-02-04T00:13:00.007+08:00

by KK.
i am not: going to answer every single tag below.
i hurt: when my crotch gets cornered in my tightest pair of jeans.
i love: bunnies. and marshmallows too because they remind me of bunnies.
i hate: trying to hold a burp in front of my students
i fear: dangling booggers that flap on the ceiling inside your nostrils when you breath. In public.
i hope: that my hopes do not get differed.
i hear: that the world's longest word is not Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
i cry: when I didn't get Megatron for my 5th birthday. wait... "cry".. as in a present continuous way right? Whatever.
i care: not of how my wedding is going to be as long as i can afford it.
i always: write the same lecture over and over again.
i long to: vacate vacations.
i listen: to conversations better than instant messaging.
i hide: my lean biceps under my folded sleeves.
i drive: people crazy with my english version of a chinese new year song.
i sing: my english version of a chinese new year song to drive people crazy.
i dance: to drive people crazier when i sing my english version of a chinese new year song.
i write: way beyond the boldness of my speech.
i breathe: and can sometimes smell my own nostrils.
i search: for answers to many questions but
i learn: that solutions are less important compared to resolutions.
i feel: that whenever someone lets go of someone else and thinks chivalriously: "As long as you're happy I'm happy." they'd probably sincerely do so; but somehow there's still a microscopic part of them that hopes the other is not overly happy either. At least- less happy that if everything were to work out just fine between both people.
i know: that most people would go "huh?" to my last statement and rather read something about Chuck Norris.
i succeed: in counting my blessings.
i fail: in doing actual math.
i dream: (t) that one day i went to this cafe and i saw a chemical reaction in the chocolate balls that they serve over the counter and they were foaming and soon they started flying and i went "hey, floating chocolate balls!" and then i woke up
i sleep: again just to find out where the chocolate balls went.
i wonder: why do we feel awkward smiling at acquaintances after a while? how do people actually fall back to being "strangers" again?
i want: to be satisfied with what I have.
i worry: very rarely because...
i have: sufficient mercies for today's troubles.
i give: too much thought to nonsense.
i fight: in my dreams but no one seems to get hurt by my punches.
i wait: in line but its always seems to end up being the slowest one.
i am: able to do all things in Christ that strengthens me.
i stay: awake at odd hours.
i smile: most of the time for many reasons.
i will: hold my fart and release it in short, small, controlled bursts in public and I'm sure you'd do the same too.
i should: serve unto God and not unto men, and also relieve men from the tedious task of filling in futile "complete the sentences" so therefore,
i tag: no one.

This...

2009-02-02T12:53:00.001+08:00

tickles me from inside.

con-conversate.

2009-01-19T12:53:00.013+08:00

I hate instant messaging software the way it is right now.

We can never learn how to listen better anymore. Silence isn't golden anymore when it comes to IMs. For all you know people could be listening intently, or surfing, or playing mindsweeper, or talking to someone else, or sleeping, or patronizing you with measly "mmms" or "ahas" totally not getting (or really not care) what you're saying. Missed out anything? just scroll back upwards or open up your chat history.

Forget body language. we have emoticons right now. Not to mention the extroversion that arises when people have a keyboard right in front of them. We talk more, express whatever we want, and nobody can give a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the other side every time we piss each other off.

And apart from me trying to point out that Chuck Norris isn't that uncanny after all, I'd like to say that...

I so, so dig this look.

http://lookbook.nu/look/61160-now-I-can-be-vice-president-too

Hasta la Manãna, 2009.

2008-12-31T21:11:00.003+08:00

I absolutely did not think 2008 would end that fast; but maybe thats because I still have vivid memories of 2007 running through my mind every now & then.

Resolutions are important even if you don't really achieve them. Sometimes its not about the doing that makes it purposeful- its about them telling who you really are as a person, and what's really important to you. Especially the repetitive ones that appear year after year. If I resolve in gaining 10kg of muscle weight but fail to achieve it; maybe it just shows that I don't really value that physical goal enough for me to want to see it come to pass. Or maybe I'm just idealistic about trying to implementing it.

I think I have to have in mind; that setting realistic goals must also be proportionate with the value system that comes behind it. Believing in it might not mean that we're basically tenacious about seeing it come to pass- and that is sometimes... the most frustrating thing about resolutions. Everything can be right behind the things you set- the mentality, the practicality, the environment, the resources. Everything; but the person.

People say you must have a vision for every year. what do you wish to achieve. I wish I'd never be disappointed by the very goals I've set myself for 2009.

I'm thinking of this whole matter of "being", and not just about the "doing"; or "achieving".
We all should, ideally; change in our state of "being" for the betterment of our "doing". One notable difference personally is that I value certain good things more than I did the year before; and that incidentally improved in the way I do things. As I grow older I guess I have a clearer picture of the values and contempts of being young is. One of them notably; is that you can do anything (literally and conceptually) and nobody will actually take you seriously. Which is both good an bad.

But I guess age is a glass half full half empty thing. The younger you are the more uncanny you see yourself to be while the world sees you less threatening; but the older you get the smaller you feel yourself to be compared to the world; but yet people would regard you higher.

Idealistically we try to practice what we preach when we're young, but when we're old we preach what we practice. and then...

eh, why did we get here in the first place?
Gah.
Resolutions, resolutions.

I resolve to be less distracted. And wordy. Ha.
Holà, 2009.

Cuantos Anos Tiene. (minus the accents)

2008-12-17T01:02:00.005+08:00

There is no math in growth. Age itself, being a quantitative measurement; bears no significance in youth lest it becomes a deterrent in things that you really want to do. but after 21; hours turn to days turns to years turns to decades as insignificantly rapid as how raw hard grains on a cob turn to mouth smacking buttered popcorn snacks in a flick of a switch.

And it is of today that I could think of the many wrongs that I should have avoided, the many wrongs I would've done right, and the wrongs that I could have done better. The many times grace has saved me; the many times love has taught me though discipline; The many times I couldn't help but think too much; the many times I'm to tired to think anymore; the many times thinking stifles, the many time thinking propels. And at the end of the day I realise that age never creeps up to us; We walk into it- crossing borders of formality set by something called a calendar; just to remind us of our mortality and its co-relation to eternity.

This year I wish for a face as thick as a Panzer tank hull;
to do life without trying to cover shame.
nor to evade confession by using blame.

I guess if I'd compartmentalize my life its still possible for fun and boring, busy and happy, tired and energetic to all co-exist at once.
so today I've gotten the worst workload, but the best love.
I can't help but to keep reading that card every now and then every time I need to put on a smile.
and the best tiramisu only because it had thoughts of me behind it.
and bunny rabbits makes good gifts- nuff said.
and facebook makes every wish count more because it made the active choice of a greeting, more accessible.
so thank you. I will try to gradually; thank everyone eventually. But in the meantime; for those who did something I'd like to say that there's something in the things that you did;
kept me going on today.

Para arriba?
Si.

And I quote...

2008-12-09T11:59:00.002+08:00

with the help of Adobe Illustrator.

Lets discuss what Mrs. Evan would wear.

2008-12-05T11:06:00.013+08:00

Okays. Not like I have control issues over someone else's fashion; I just can't help but thinking how these stuff look so stunningly great- on an imaginary wife.

1) Vhaite Pants
I so love this high waisted pants from Goddess city. For RM 59 ringgit it appeals to a poor spouse like me. I just love lasses in white pants- So much so its equivalent to any normal Malaysian guy being so Pavlov about thinking every long, straight haired girl must be a chun chick.
Link here.

2) Tuxedo cardigan
...from Urban outfitters. $68 x 3.6 means I can only dream of dreaming about her wearing it. (see, thats how much I can't afford it.) But like, wow.
Link here.

3) The only sensible pair of glads in the world.

A rare find. Goes well with a pair of dark 3/4s denims (staple for most Malaysian women even though I never liked them (the pants)) or my personal fav combo, a dark color biased short skirt. If you have any other glads other than the one shown above, I recommend you pair it with a big, round, battle damaged bronze shield; flat, shiny double edged short sword and a grizzly on a leash. Hehe just kidding. You should get a lion instead. RM57.

Link here.

4) Protect your cleavage.
You've got to know how to match your dresses. Accessorize with a fabulous censor from eyes that don't look at your face while talking to you. They're on sale so...
Price before: Stupendously Expensive beyond bankruptcy.
Price after: Stupendously expensive at the brink of bankruptcy.
Ok so I love both the dress and the necklace. check out the link for pics at the back.
Link here.

5) Colours.Contrary to what some people say, I'm not always fond of the achromatic colour scheme. Colors should be experimented with care, otherwise just play with single colours and slowly grow your palettes with complimentary shades before moving to triads; lest sometimes we might fall dangerously into the "desperate" category. I don't know how much these cost, but I just love the way the prints go. Weird but pleasant.
Link here.

author's note:
These are just personal opinions that no women should live up to. In case you catch me enforcing them you are free to gun me down and make sure I look really ugly on my funeral day.

Gambo.

2008-12-04T23:14:00.005+08:00

I'm gonna send this to be framed tomorrow so... I bid it farewell. Color Pencil & Water Color on W/C paper; and yes, my strokes are haywire and kelam kabut but heck I don't really care. so... weehoowahhjaaa. Kids, you know who you are so don't try this at home.... err I mean, homework. Hawhawhawhaw snort.*

Tagged,

2008-12-03T20:59:00.007+08:00

By Zheng Joo.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now

1) Funny how we knew each other for so long yet we never grow tired of knowing each other continuously.

2) And maybe because I think its never too young to start loving; but only too early to end up hating.

3) Remember when I said we'd find the one we love only in the places we're most comfortable to be ourselves? Somehow I think you're close:)

4) I admit, its easier when I don't care about being liked that I dare say what is right. But everytime I put up that front to you, I fake the hell out of it. Because somehow you matter a bit more to me than I thought.

5) Yeah, I guess you're right about me. A good shoulder to cry on but never a hand to hold.

6) You're trying too hard by thinking too much; but its just like those scary dreams whereby no matter how hard you run- you don't seem to get anywhere.

7) I wish you could forgive me if I never thought you were special the way you wanted me to see it.

8) I don't know. I really don't. I never thought answers are the only solution to things pertaining life.

9) Still praying for you. And expecting results.

10) Thank you for remembering me.

Monday smiles and winces: Bunny blunder in imaginary violence.

2008-12-01T10:46:00.004+08:00

I'd say, he's quite a jumper;
dashing highways like a wonder.
a thumper on the bumper;
rabbit guts split asunder.

Autopilot.

2008-11-24T00:19:00.010+08:00

Unlike what most people would say; I don't think the change that came from the working life crept up to me unsuspectingly. And when I said life, I didn't mean a phase or a season marked in chronological order. I meant "life" more of a state of "being".

Change always happens when life is involved. What makes me feel sad is when people warrant themselves when they throw babies out together with the bathwater- Especially when people transition from college to work.

Probably one of the hardest to cope; is the way people maintain friendships and relationships. Because everybody won't be seeing each other everyday anymore; it makes it even harder for people to develop strong relationships. I guess that is one of the many examples that is summed up into a major challenge of transitioning from college to work: You can't maintain your life in "default mode" anymore.

That sounds depressingly sad to most; especially when at the end of the day; everything from your relationships to your bank account falls into a deteriorating state if left on its own peril. Not quite like how most affluent families have their tuition fees being paid or friends that you get to see each other everyday, by default. After a while you pick up your graduation photos and best-friend outings and ex-girlfriends under your arms with all smiles like its going to last forever, thinking that photos are meant to prevent you from loosing all those sweet memories and all that kind of nonsense- only to slowly backfire by reminding you of all that you've lost.

I guess only naivety would make people think that its a sad life to live.

Its not; because its an inevitable change that opens doors to other new things. How people transition from loving life because they have all they need, to getting all they need because they love life. One of them more passive than the other- means that the latter requires us to live by choosing.

As most people still choose to sit and wait; I'd have to say that I've learnt that by default; the weekend friends you make in church will definitely NOT make you a priority. Nope. Unless you see them everyday; they'll never ever really think of you as their bestest, best buddy that they would share the world with you. Not unless 4 leafed clovers grow out of your noses will you be that lucky- so most of us have to choose each other.

Because we could think of all the loves that your "friends" could enjoy with other people. Or how you'd imagine the person you'd like to hang out with could be happier with someone else; or how your company must be the least insignificant compared to someone more happening, more interesting or even worst, better in every way compared to you. You CAN'T possibly think of all that; Because you and me and we, have to choose each other for anything to happen.

I guess after a while I got a little better in summarizing long-story questions like" Ooo so tell me how did in ended between you and your college sweetheart?" I didn't have 5 hours; and neither did I wanted to paint a poor picture of anyone so the best answer would be that I guess the choice of "choosing each other" wasn't a mutual thing anymore. Its not like people or friends or relationships actually "drift away" from each other. And "stop loving" is something impossible; unless love is an action summed up by choices.

I can't sit around saying to myself oh, I hope back then that she would continuously choose me, or someone else needs to do that, otherwise I would be unlovable, like an abandoned ugly baby that the flying delivery stork dropped while puking over my horrendous face. Or maybe I need to make myself smarter, better, more famous, prettier, more worth loving, or more acceptable so that people and new friends would choose me, by default.

Thats much like a dagger of pride hidden under a cloak of low-self esteem. Because if we were to model after a perfect God who is the definition of love; He chose us. He has it all, and that didn't really help much in having the world choose Him.

Tomorrow is another day that I have to choose life:)

Welcome to the real world without people breaking into songs and talking animals helping you, Giselle.

Tagged,

2008-11-20T00:21:00.004+08:00

by Rachel.

- List down 7 things that you believe had change you life, in terms of the way you think, the way you perceive the world, etc. Make it a long answer.

1) God. By refusing to acknowledge his existence I would probably be nihilistic and blissfully rampant.

2) Forgiveness. Being a recipient of it is one of the most humbling experiences; and by giving it; be the most liberating.

3) Career. Suddenly being a little bit more independent financially does not spell freedom- on the contrary; new boundaries are erected.

4) First kiss. We're all anxious to know when we can give that bit away until its been finally lost. And sometimes I look back and wonder what would happen if things we're different. Nevertheless we change. I've changed, realizing how precious moments should be kept sacred.

5) Parents. Its a cheese and wine relationship. the older we get, the better it becomes. And they continue to change the way I see love, and the way I see family.

6)Facing Hostility. Funny how we tell ourselves that we can't get along with each other. Its a mix bag of fear, stubbornness, suspicion and anger. but its so clouded with indefinite excuses the easier way is to ignore the whole thing completely. Being on the receiving end I don't know what is better sometimes; loving them and risk being hated more, or leaving them alone to help them hate less.

7) Love. Its is coated with remarkable irony. What a choice. To love, is to also leave other loves undone. But It changes me every time I choose it. The context. The capacity. Every time it makes me feel the most foolish; yet it seems as though its the wisest choice to make. It matters most when done at the absence of feeling; and inspiring only when hate is present. Its the hardest thing to do; yet the softest thing one would love to receive.

Five.

2008-11-14T14:37:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I need to look into the mirror and remind myself this.

at least, not in a creepy way.

afternoon comfort food.

2008-11-13T17:50:00.001+08:00

Twilight poetry for the ugly couple.

2008-11-11T00:56:00.005+08:00

Dearest superficial pleasantries,
what happened to your generosity?
I feel the niceness that ebbed out of you
to reveal your kindness constrained for two.

Owh how love has made you indifferent;
never cared about any battle,
'cept to be contented to merely settle.

You do your public promenades flaunting-
though we find it the least daunting.
A whisper,
the winds of change;
the past you'll call a haunting.

One.

2008-11-10T10:35:00.004+08:00

The fleeting weekend came just to patronize my anticipation of rest. Actually, who thinks of rest a quarter of an hour before we clock out of work on a Friday evening?

We think of freedom. The holiday I-can-do-anything-I-want; freedom.

Its perhaps one of the most superficial of all the freedom we know; but nevertheless the most trying of all- where were are no longer screaming and clawing our way to achieve it, but puts us to the test of what shall we do with the scarcity of it.

What we do when we are free to do anything tells more of who we really are than what we're obliged to do on our indutiable weekday routine. Sometimes I feel rather selfish to call my time, MY time. Its not because I actually have something to do with it; its just my personal canon of wanting the momentary absence of "have tos" in it. I don't have an appointment to meet, no timelines, deadlines, rushing, obliging, responsibilities, expectations. And lo and behold, ironically I just look back and wonder where my weekend went when I had all of it to myself.

I felt like Monday never came, because Sunday was no sabbath for me.

So physically tired right now (after AYA awards). And even weightier, is the heaviness I felt in my spirit when I woke up this morning. Been thinking of the different words I've said to different ones throughout the weekend. Of how easy skepticism taints the mind like durian in a car. We're all hypocrites in our own way, because we'll never do the things we really want to do; and most of the time we never really care to do the things we want others to do. And we're perfectly quite contented with that because of the way we mechanically allow our self absorbed pleasantries to see ourselves in a slightly better light, diffused and blurry like a dreamy wedding portraiture.

Today's mercies, for today's troubles. I'm drawing strength from the Lord's steadfast love that never cease to renew his mercies every morning. But I still shudder at the thought of having to battle the impending misunderstandings that may come along the way this week.

Its terrible to fall into the hands of man.

clay play.

2008-11-07T14:37:00.001+08:00

Isin't quite there but ok lah:)

eleventh.

2008-11-06T09:49:00.002+08:00

Scarcity seems to work wonders on most things. Perhaps that was my recent drive for me to restraint from doing so many things without first pacing it at a considerably cautious state.

I'm compelled to believe that the Lord has every of my thought in check; and that includes all the smaller whims and fancies my mind fantasizes during midday stalling moments. Am more appalled with how He, without human intervention, shows how He's able to wave his fingertips like a big giant fairy wand and weaves thoughts into unsuspecting realities.

Its these little things that overwhelms me sometimes. Recently I try hard not to work my little brains into figuring out how life can be at its best state (in my context of course), because I believe whatever I can dream of, He can do better- and sometimes that kind of gracious, unmerited favor freaks me out.

I find affluence an easy thing to achieve for most people these days. Perhaps contentment is debatable, but most people seem that they struggle more with options than they are with obligations. Yet again people will never feel that way when being navigated by a strong emotional compass. And we all, at the end of the day; and as much as how we think our lives are so unique, our compromises so personal and indisputable, just end up like snow- different at the atomic level, yet looking predictably the same at the grand scale.

I think most Christians are confused of what "being the difference" is. Being snowflake-unique and being something with a different chemical constitution is a far cry. And alarmingly I must always remind myself to not be anywhere close to being the former.

There is of course, a little bit of insanity in the latter.

Two.

2008-10-14T23:29:00.006+08:00

"Thats the teacher who beat me while I was in primary!"
My sister whispered as her voice dissipates into the thick cloud of noise from the wedding dinner crowd.

I look from the corner of my eye, an elderly lady- she was glowing with the radiance of shimmer powder fixated above a thick cake of base de maquillage. But even the best of all cosmetics could conceal the wrinkles that mark her loosing battle against aging. Her last stronghold of youth seems to be her embroidered eyebrows with its hair valiantly refusing to give up its color.

People say that old people have the patience of the world. I don't know whether is it because of the years of impatience & disappointments that has battered them to give up striving, or whether experience has taught them the beauty of timing. I remember MY teacher alright. No, make that TEACHERS. In retrospect I still think of them as being rather sadistic not because of the beatings, but because of their excessive devotion in forcing me into their ideals, and pitching my learning curve against other "normal" people out there.

I want to see MY teacher today.

and if I ever did; I might probably still think of all the beatings, the curses, the words of discouragement, the threats that I will be rejected and given away that they have incite during my time under their tutorship. But I will not mention either of those things.

I will definitely tell them that I now tread same career path as they do; though with different methodologies. And let them know of all things that I want to remember about my teacher; I actually wished I could remember them for their love; for their respect to me as a unique person; for prioritizing my aptitudes above academic acclamations. I wish.

:p

I guess I grew up learning in spite of, rather than because of, them. Nevertheless I am always humbled by the sovereignty of God above all things. I guess I was too dumb to hate them when I was young. Today I don't find a need to either.- I respect them for actually taking up a noble task of teaching.

I see it a bit clearer now- That they are really not sadists; just people who mean well but failed in my context. It is a vicious cycle that loops itself over the generations- everyone; trying hard to give to the future generation what you didn't receive when you are young. Each generation trying to outlive your predecessor. Is that a good thing? Sounds like it I guess.

But I'm not always convinced. We give the love we lack only to find that we overgave- consequently raising up posterity that lacks discipline- which brings about the next wave that tries to introduce it back again.

Im not too sure... I think its not just about giving what we don't have. Its about giving what is right. And that takes a whole great deal of wisdom. I shall leave it as this for now :)

Only time will tell...

2008-10-14T23:03:00.001+08:00

whether this is a brilliant idea or not.

Connotations untold,
though subtleties will unfold.

six.

2008-10-11T11:40:00.002+08:00

Its one of those days where I'd wake up in the morning less assured compare to others.

Maybe its just those typical insecure moments where you'd find yourself less liked, less appreciated or less respected. And its not necessarily because of something you've done, it just might be because you think that circumstances are just being less favorable to you. Maybe you'd wish that there was something you could've done or said to make things better.

maybe this feeling is just momentary. You know, the feeling of being less loved.

I always have a bottle of yu-yi nutmeg scented ointment sitting handily at the top of my computer table.

"Wind oil", is what we Chinese call it. I'd say that this ointment is almost as old as Yap Ah Loy. Contrary to most people; everytime I unscrew the cap, the retro scent does not remind me of old grandmothers with severe joint problems, and are so deaf they rely on sonic vibrations of their sagging skins on their quadruple chins to hear their own words. Nope, it doesn't remind me of wheezing old men with airways so blocked it takes a toilet plunger to flush the phlegm out.

Yu Yi reminds me of comfort; and of course the feelings of being safe.
When I was a boy my mom used to rub my tummy with yu yi oil whenever I had stomachache.
Well, medically I don't think it always cured whatever turmoil that was going on in my bowels; but miraculously I felt better anyway. I would remember myself cuddling under the warmth of my mom's touch as she reclines on my bedside. No, it was my mattress. Wrapped with a blue Donald duck and Goofy bed sheet.

Nothing beats the assurance of being loved. It makes you believe that everything's going to be alright even when its not that yet. Sometimes we all find that feeling in all the weird places.

Today I found mine in a concoction of chinese herbs in a bottle.

Thats what I call...

2008-10-08T01:49:00.001+08:00

superb music.

we's makes goods memories.

2008-09-20T11:23:00.008+08:00

And the wiser 1974 version of myself says:
"The best memories are those that are created with the people that matter the most."

waha.

High school (1997 - present)
We do spotchecks. we check out each other's crushes. laugh at girls. make a quick dash away from our ex'es. We Starcraft like junkies and still top the class. We cook. We shop. We sing, we play guitar, we found God, we found faith.

MMU (2001 - present)
I had me own house, but yours was my home. we brave through late nights. argue. love each other. insult each other. We blast each others Daishi up. Eat Pringles in our sleep. Ran away from an earthquake. make fun of lecturers. Kill Fire-MacGiants. We see each other break up. get back again. repeat cycle. and of course; we saw each other at the top.

WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeGggggeeeeeeennntttttiinnnnngggggg!
Yeah. Those were good days.

ACTS Church (2002 - present)

Things and events are significant only because of the people that are in it. There are moments that can be fun yet illusively empty to us merely because we can't exactly value the relationships of the people we are together while going through it; and there are those that become huge epics of our past so great we find it really hard to get over with because of the people that went through it with us.

There are some things that mark journeys of our pasts. a particular song, a scent, a dish, a piece of artwork, a place- But nothing stirs the heart as much as relationships. I don't think people really "move on" from relationships. Life brings us to different phases in which it becomes harder to meet each other as often. But people don't exactly change. Everybody eventually copes with losses. But people don't really devalue the past. Many instances in which I met up with my good old buddies; we can't stop talking about how much those things have enriched our experiences. (concurrently, it does continue to do so, unexpectedly).

Maybe thats why I enjoy life so much. Because I don't need to act upon losses. Its a piece of heaven that everybody should learn; That there's no past to moan when what matters is how we make the best out of today.

And as for the not so nice memories....
Maybe nihilism exists only when people are insecure or extremely afraid to commit to love today. Every experience becomes watered down only because they don't want to get hurt by the same old memories that they enjoy. Well... as to that I guess its the choice that people make. I wish rocks will fall on their pinky toes and make them wake up. Life will continue to be meaningless no matter how fun it is when we feel cold (or try to) about everything. I seriously doubt; that no matter what happens- despite the human flaws & baggages we carry; we will be unable to see each other eye to eye when people get up to heaven.

Actually down on earth; we can live the same way if we wanted to.

Silkscreen designs

2008-09-19T17:35:00.000+08:00

Aaaah the dilemma.which shall I do?

200th post!

2008-09-18T23:45:00.008+08:00

This calls for some lighthearted visuals!

Yep. My first jeweler saw-cut stainless steel piece. Too crude to be used as a pendant. HAHAHA.

A more successful piece: space invader Pyssla, with stingy Toblerone sidekick.

and finally, this is what I had for supper today.

sloppy pickup lines.

mutant diabetic baby with candy.

All your monehz iz belongs to me!

Thanks for the cookies.

Say bye bye to awkward first time sex.

2008-09-11T09:55:00.005+08:00

Its another edition of disturbing post titles; and perhaps less metaphorically put- the anatomy of the sins unspoken of.

I was curiously browsing though different facebook profiles of people I know. In particularly people I don't really see in church anymore.
and yes, as humans - we have the tendency to link every possible information to create meanings for ourselves. As we scan through pictures, relationship statuses, jobs titles and current residing locations; I can't help but use all those clues to help answer a very minor question of why are these people not hanging around church as much as they used to anymore.

As I deconstruct my own theories based on my snap decisions I realize that this is a question of perfect irrelevance. Perhaps its safer for me to ask this question than to judge a person's faith level by the frequency of church attendance or ministry serving one does.

I have come to ask myself a rhetorically redundant question. Why do I even need to come to church if my needs are not met? and if I am really so self absorbed in meeting my constant needs why do I even need to think about carrying out God's will (if He wills me to be happy?).
Everyone asks this question with their own context. Why am I here? Where can I find my purpose? If I really am ignorant with my own destiny why is it so hard for God to reveal it to me with assurance? Can I find this elsewhere other than an institution (of a church)?

Sometimes it just sounds like existentialism with a religious tag, if you know what I mean.

I think... sometimes its just a diversion of a more personal question.
I guess I don't really care anymore if I can answer all these questions that are too big for me to handle. If God dreams big dreams for me, ill-timed knowledge from a small mind will reject it. If God dreams small dreams, then we will question our own significance. And men are always in the irony of wanting big yet thinking small; hence there's almost never the answer proportionately "correct".

Here's another irony that involves that personal question, in which most shun the discussion of it because of the malicious effects it does to our reputation.

We all love to drink stolen water as much as we hate to see ourselves doing that. Promiscuity can be a very tasty affair like a well mixed cocktail of discomforting shame and snowswept mountaintop experience of orgasmic pleasure. And if we were to re-contextualize this into other affairs we would find its ingredients common. Life however, has become more complicated in this thinking generation.

I think sometimes we can be like an atheist in a way that we think there's no divine intervention every time we take a sip.

Just maybe, above all things that I sometimes find myself merely looking for a place of assurance- and it sometimes sound like a place of comfort. If forgiveness doesn't work, then maybe a perfect excuse of why I constantly get back to taking sips of pleasurable taboo. Sometimes repentance and the searing of my conscience races against each other, in which I allow it to happen because I just don't want to decide who would win, because I don't mind either, and will let situations decide which will get to me first.

I think this is the battle that every person fights in & out of church. The battle of making sense of our lives, finding comfort in the things we do, and having ourselves believe that somehow everywhere else is a better place than the place we are right now.

But above all, constantly trying hard to believe the sweeter water we drink is not stolen.
I think of the times I might deceive myself, about those people blatantly label as lost causes, and maybe Mike Gugs, for that matter.

Empty.

2008-09-09T23:36:00.002+08:00

Because that is exactly what's going on inside my cranium.

Might be along the lines of me thinking about the more important things in life, but I'll refrain from spewing it out for now.

Unwinding cable car.

2008-09-09T14:55:00.003+08:00

unexpectedly, this song crept up to me the moment I woke up from bed today.
You're just as surreal in this song as you are in real life.

Emotive unstable.
your like an unwinding cable car
listening for voices,
buts its the choices that make us who we are.
go your own way.
even season have change.
just burn those new leaves over.
so self-absorbed, you've seem to ignore,
the prayers that have already come about.

this is the correlation of salvation and love.
(dont drop your arms)
dont drop your arms.
i'll guard your heart.
with quite words i'll lead you in.

backing away from the problem of pain.
you never had a home.
you've been misguided.
you're hiding in shadows for so very long.
don't you belive that you've been decived?
that your no better than...
the hair in your eyes it never disguised
what your really thinking of.

this is the correlation of salvation and love.
(dont drop your arms)
dont drop your arms.
i'll guard your heart.
with quite words i'll lead you in.

you're so brilliant.
dont soon forget.
your so brilliant.
grace marked your heart.

this is the correlation of salvation and love.
dont drop your arms.
i'll guard your heart.
with quite words i'll lead you in and out of the dark.

fdafdbvcsatrasd.

2008-09-02T00:36:00.008+08:00

Well.... yeah. I know, its a holiday, but it wasn't exactly that special for me. I spent half the day finishing my loathsome conference paper, ( I actually told my tutor that I wasn't exactly enjoying my studies) and the rest of the day... lepak-cum-reflecting. Told David that I didn't want to go rock climbing without having a good night's rest lest I look like a fruitcake trying to scale a brick wall... so I was stuck between staying at home and going out to do something else. I picked the curve as my hangout spot and gee I sure did walk alot.

There was a myriad of fleeting thoughts that ran through my mind while I was there:

1) I wanted a pink tee. nuff said.

2) There are a few lost causes in my life, one of them is my bedroom. I never bothered to decorate it because of the horribly mismatched furniture my parents bestowed upon my quarters. Hence my tour around Ikea was fairly depressing in spite of the inspiring layout ideas.

That of course, led me to think that if I were to ever attempt to decorate a space, it would probably be my own home one day, in which I would really want to build with my own hands.

3) I was contemplating on getting a gerbera daisy potted plant. I love gerberas. As I picked them up I realised... heck; they sure look pretty now, but when I'm taking these back to the office they're surely gonna die.

Ok they're not gonna die, but judging the amount of leaves the plant has (very fertile, large & abundant leaf count = no flowering buds), I reckon they're never gonna flower again after the batch of already matured flowers wither.

Meh. So I put them back and save myself RM9.90.

4) I'm spending too much on clothes I don't really need. Alright maybe not.. maybe I'm just spending way too much time THINKING of spending on clothes I don't need. Its always a long walk to the changing room; and an even longer journey digging my wallet out of my pants. I usually give up after flipping the price tag anyway.

5) If people (especially my students) are reading my blog, what do they really want to see?

probably this.
Hah. it was taken a while ago and it has been there for almost half a year. I guess girls really know how to hold grudges eh? or maybe this guy just knows how to make donkeyloads of mistakes he's gotta keep em up there just in case.

The desecration of the environmental aesthetics with these distasteful designs have brought me to another thought: WHY IN THE WORLD ARE PEOPLE DUMPING THEIR RUBBISH ON TOP OF MY FREEAAAKKINNG CARR????

I've witnessed 3 cases of litterings during the weekend already, 2 in which happened on my car. I couldn't fantasize on any deserving punishment upon them other than gangerine on their fingers; because I don't want them to get away with it, making others reap what these people sow on public property.

So yeah. I can almost picture the tip of their fingers dropping down like raisins, or prunes, or dates. Happy Ramadan.

God...

2008-08-28T10:50:00.003+08:00

Might have thought of me when he created bunnies.

Well.... perhaps.... He thought of billions of other people that love/ed bunnies too. Am twisting this around to bring a question back to God- What (and who) was He thinking about when He created me.

I'm not going into this whole stuff about existentialism nonsense. I'll sum it up to say I think He was thinking of someone else. and perhaps many others. Maybe thats just enough for me to keep going throughout the day, to want to be a better person, or at least want to be a "bunny" to others.

Iz Madez Cheezcwake Popzz.

2008-08-26T22:59:00.003+08:00

Mmmm. Chocolate Coated Cheesecake that melts in your mouth.

Even Mr. Flower wants one.

Perhaps I'll try a TRIPLE post!

2008-08-21T23:32:00.005+08:00

I'll have only so much time to write as much as I can before my hair dries & off I go to sleep.

Alexithymia and the occasional lethologica.
We all feed upon each other's language to build the articulation of our own world. Indefinitely that would mean that in certain ways, we are what we read, merely because what we read forms the tangible expressions of who we are (or try to portray). An example would be perhaps; when we browse through someone else's blog, or maybe just sentences extracted from another source. There will bound to be moments where the words from others would strike us deep; as though it becomes the perfect transfiguration of our own experiences. And then we would go "Yeaaaahh! that is EXACTLY what I wanted to say! Its like... man this is sooo true!!" kinda thing. And because we relate to it, we would probably express it the exact same way as how others would've put it into words.

My point? nothing much actually. I guess it all boils down to the things we choose to read. Every human gravitates towards the things we are comfortably capable to express; so if we feed our minds with for example, excessive cynical sarcasm; even the best intentions would be undermined by our own lack of the proper vocabulary.

In between girls...
I think I should be a little more resolute in saying this-
that in between being fallen and chosen is what separates a crush from love. I guess I'm not very experimental in this area- to try out every girl that comes along the way is perhaps a risky thing. No matter how people put it, its not like a shopping spree or trial period- but more like an investment scheme; where there's always a risk of either loss or profit, and it would be proportionate to the amount sown into it. You loose abit of yourself every time you fail- and if you keep failing you'll find yourself unable to give what you don't have anymore.
I guess we all choose to love the ones we love; Perhaps I would like to arrive to a point where I would preach my love story as a legacy more than a "What I wish I should have done instead, so you don't be like me" case study. I'm just waiting for a second chance for that story to be written. So I guess the question can't be "when" anymore. its more of "How I would want it to be like?" and thats something I've yet to discover.

...and guitars.
Now this I'm always being like a harlot. I have caressed and practiced on so many babes it gave me a better idea on the body, sound and make that I want in the future. Previously out of my ignorance I've purchased an "affordable model" only to find myself outgrowing it rapidly. Perhaps maybe thats why I get very gatal in acoustic guitar hunting (Ray, Aidan, Jia Wern, Jason, Jack & Candice prolly knows this); because I guess I want everyone to learn to see their own gear with value; and perhaps that would make them want to be better musicians when their skill grows. Sooo uhm... let me list down the ex-gir- i mean guitars I've toyed around with (acoustic models):

Gibson: SJ 200, SJ180
Ibanez: PF Series, AW10, AW15, AW30, AW10mcqec, AW 1000, AW800, EW series.
Guild: GAD 10
Cort: Earth 100, Earth 900, M100, Limited Edition
Tanglewood: TW14, TW15
Fender: Sonoran
Martin: DXM, DX Tawny Satinwood, Baby martin, D16
Takamine: EG530, 430, 330, TAN14, TAN15, TAN16, EAN15 and various handcrafted models
Taylors: 100 series, 200series, 500 series, 800 series, Jewel Signature model
Ephiphone: EJ200, John Lennon 160e
Breedlove: Atlas
Maton: 225, 325
Yamaha: L series, FG series, FGX series, F series, FX series.
Farida: D10, D52, D62, D67, J66
Norman: tak ingat model
Simon & Patrick: tak ingat model
Seagull: S6
Kapok: satu model aje
Skylark: guitar chapalang serupa kapok

Morris

and other various guitars I can't remember. Mmm. yeah. as you can see thats the extensive list that I've built up across the years, so I think I can't really refer my current guitar as "my wife" because that would make me a freaking adulterer.

mine.

ha, rambut kering. wee.

prelude to a dangerous ride.

2008-08-19T23:30:00.008+08:00

I'm going to be exceedingly busy for the next 2 weeks.

Been taking a day at a time; most of the time I find myself underachieving my ideals for a productive day; but nevertheless I'm not fretting about it- I can't live life as a series of tasks to be completed no matter how urgent or important they are.

I wish I could backtrack & reassess all the grades one more go- because somehow I think that would give me a more objective justification for their marks; but due to time constraints; I had to rely mostly on snap-decisions & preconceptions to get most of them done. Either way provides an acute reflection of how the industry works; so I guess I'm at peace with that.

Wall.E was like how Michael described it, nice in a sweet way. It didn't tug as much heart strings as I expected, but it was nevertheless awesomely human; relational and touching. Pixar is quite good in instilling wonderful values in people but what was more fantastic is probably the most subtle of values less noticed.

The romance was pretty obvious; and for anyone to get inspired to get loveydovey over it is merely a pathetic challenge. Wall.E does have one of the less emphasized resolves I find lacking in many aspiring couples, that is -a common purpose in a relationship.

Purposes are powerful. It makes people come alive, for some unknown reason. The absence of it would make a person see life in a withered perspective of hopelessness & despair. A good relationship direction derived from 2 person's complementary sense of personal direction is what makes good couples influentially strong ones. Holding hands would probably take a person so far. And it wasn't until the adventure begins when relationships start to deepen. The compelling part was that both droids were willing to serve each other and work towards a common purpose of bringing that stupid plant to where it belongs; ultimately hoping to save the humans they serve.

Adventure unlocks when we walk to our own destiny; & its only by then is when the full measure of love is tested via sacrifice. I hope it does serve as a reminder to many people today that sometimes we are made for that- and many people desperately try to recreate that excitement through pseudo experiences by walking the largest mall, taking the biggest rides in the parks, shopping around the largest department stores full of clothes.

Really- sharing a jacket, cuddling on the same sofa, baking each other cookies, serenading each other with a love song, screaming over a horrific movie is probably the only adventures people live today. Affluence has become a curse to couples of the postmodern era as they go through that same cycle week after week. People implode inward if they do not look outwards... Same way how Eve could've ignored her directive and live with Wall.E for the rest of her life with him until they both rust and eat dust, the end. Life is indeed less inspiring if all we did was live for ourselves ain't it?

It might challenge the way we think, or it might just be another date movie for most. I don't really know if we do ask ourselves, what is it we really live for today? maybe that would lead us to our Wall.Es and Eves.

I forgot to pay for the movie... shame on me:-s remind me during the fruit party!

A himbo moment's steal.

2008-08-18T00:04:00.006+08:00

I went shopping with Kelvin & Kai Ling today. I had in the back of my head; a pair of Converse chucks to invest on... but never thought of seeing these pair of baybehs!

Paul Smith Spring/Summer 2008 collection shoes for........RM77!!! wrpppfhfgggfgghhhhaaahhh! mmmmmuuusssttt...... ggggggggeeeeettt deeemmmmm!! nnnnnrrr!!!! bye bye Converse, you're just too plain & simple & less comfy compared to these guys.

Awww... look at all the cute little bunnies underneath!

A quickie.

2008-08-16T20:47:00.005+08:00

here's another one done in 2 takes before dinnertime.

Recordings are brutal mirrors of your tonal qualities.... but rough cuts of it are fun.

mmm. Saturdeh afternoons.

2008-08-16T15:20:00.007+08:00

Yeah. so... I'm playing with my karaoke mic on a hot saturday afternoon.

there's some misses & glitches and cacat pitches everywhere but I malas to baiki. (and dad was sleeping so I didn't want to wake him up with another take)
it got a little screamy at the end sommoree... ngaah.
The song that only Esther knows but I forgot the lyrics.

buruk eh.... hahahhaha Lain kali nyaneeh betul betul.

Expiry dates.

2008-08-13T22:55:00.003+08:00

Students. while at work it seems to be a world of difference- outside the office they are merely teens that's about as intimidating as any other stranger I would avoid in the streets.

I so laugh at my own natural pretense...
because there's an unspoken sense of extroversion in the classroom and a pocket of silence outside the college. I tell people that I might suffer from minor autism... because the world is too large for me to handle; and the only thing that excuses my spastic staring with the corner of my eyes to avoid eye contact with anyone in public places like malls is because there was a reason to look at those pretty window displays.

of course there are some occasional places where my eyeballs have nowhere to run. those are the times that you just have to say "hi".

I hate myself.

and Travis: you are absolutely right. I bully and love my students at the same time. Its really quite like fishing- if you reel in too fast with your loving, the cords will snap. if you release to much and drive them further with your bullying, you'll loose them. Its about the simultaneous compromise between pulling & releasing that gets you the catch. Don't try this on pets (especially Sunil's ducks); humans are the only animals susceptible to this kind of treatment.

Sofie: welcome.

Swea Phin: Don't stop creating memories with your dumb dares. thats probably the sweetest things that you could do to your friends- to make life worthwhile through all those good laughs.

Hweun: I'll always remember the time we went for gelati. thats the most plural single scoop ice I've ever had... and I probably didn't tell you that I almost died eating ice cream with the chilling winds blowing to my face. But of course your natural resistance to the cold challenged my machoness and made me a better man.

Sean: Come back to church la.

Cheryl & Queenie: Chop or Saw.

Vivien: its RM2.20.

Kelvin Tan: Time to change the hair- I saw a contractor with the same hair as yours today.

wee.

Wake up.

2008-08-11T15:57:00.003+08:00

Here I am right now sitting in the middle of the office; feeling very, very sleepy.

I've done every possible thing to amuse myself- dance, close my eyes for a few minutes trying to con my brains with pseudo-sleep, berak, drinking apple cranberry juice. V & I tried photocopying our hands; and still I'm sleepy. So I hope just by having a quickie might work.

I mean, a quick blog update.

I've browsed through my past few entries and realised that its been quite depressing lately. V says I'm being philosophical; though it never came across my mind that I'd be one that's engrossed with philosophy. I find myself writing introspective stuff with a touch of cynical sarcasm as effortlessly as how Christian from Anberlin writes songs about breakup...tho I seriously doubt he has gone through THAT much, but its amusing to know how people are able to observe and make connections with certain things without having to experience it. Maybe I could be those kind of writer....perhaps I gain much inspiration from the sad things in life, as I couldn't recall myself ever being under such depths of depression.

I feel quite sad sometimes tho, that people ask very complicated questions when they find themselves unable to execute simple solutions. But perhaps thats when "philosophy" stifles. Engaging in intellectual debates are quite pointless sometimes; especially when people don't get better eventually.

That is of course, quite debatable... in which perhaps, why Christians are always called to hope. I think I see every small purpose even in the undesirable- fear sometimes makes people try a bit harder- depression invites introspection; apathy shields even the most vicious insults, stubbornness makes people abit more single minded. Perhaps it takes a divine answer for the duration and intensity of these vices to be most appropriate; I've seen some grown out of it, some growing through it, and some merely going through it.

I hate answering "whys". Because we don't need answers- some things eventually come to understanding not merely by reason. I once read a tee shirt that went: " Your explanation sounds reasonable, but my feelings come first." Absolutely lovely. As bitchy as it sounds, most of us operate with this unspoken motto. Teachability is perhaps one of the most dynamic, ambiguous and inconsistent trait next to beauty. It depends on who and when and how and what in which those lessons are effectively delivered.

Tailor made for life.
Am I a good teacher? Probably not to those who think I have failed them. I think the day I started making worst feuds and enemies was the day I started caring more. But I guess thats how life goes. Because people equates problems, we all become part of it whether they arise from good intentions or not. And some people are happier than others not because of the lack of problems, but its because they embrace the problems that come their way better than others.

Maybe I'm happy today because I'm contented with the problems I choose, and I'm not afraid to face those that choose me.

Yet again, my trail of thoughts brought me to a fellow friend. Yes I'm that psychotic because I'm still praying for you. But you need to choose. Choose life, and grasp everything that leads to it.

incapacitated initiation.

2008-08-05T23:27:00.009+08:00

I tried hard not to look her way.

4:00pm. Shouldn't be long before I'll depart from this awkward moment. You better not be looking for someone to talk to. Well.. at least, not me.

Its funny how we sometimes desperately fall in this mode of pretense. Grasping my hand phone tightly and meddling around the menu; inspecting my message box and scrolling through my phone log- as if we really have an important call to make or a message too dire we cannot miss. But that was all I had- my defense mechanism to shield me from any social intrusion. To the bearer it is a barrier of security- a momentary sheath of exclusion against any engagement; to others it might be merely an act of cowardice.

Any longer and I'll look like I'm obsessively caressing my phone. Gee, I wonder what's up for tomorrow? I can't wait to step out of this place. I've never been to Orchard Road for quite a while. "WHAT AM I THINKING? I'm suppose to be quite good at this. I mean; I'll just have to say "Hi", and everything else should flow quite naturally."

Why in the world did you sit next to me in the first place? Heeeelooooo..... like, find your own bench. Right- there. see? empty. Here? no. Me, stranger. Its 4:05, the sessions are suppose to end already! Where is my colleague?

Maybe I'll say Hi if you turn around. Maybe the moment our eyes lock for the split second would be compelling enough for me to initiate.

No!

I better look away. I'll pretend not to notice you, and maybe you'll go away. Why should I even bother to know you anyway? We'll engage in some small talk, and then we'll probably part our separate ways and never meet each other again. Its utterly pointless. Pointle-

"Hi... you're here for the conference?"

Uh oh.

An arrow against the silence of Adam. Eve has spoken first.

A compendium of melancholic roundups- in short stories of the "you"s we know.

2008-07-22T14:25:00.002+08:00

If "we all" have other names it would be known as “you”.

You, the escapist.
How does one "move on" in life? Does it come from being de-sensitized from a terrible event that happened before- or when people just finds some other distractions to make themselves believe that life can "Start all over again"? Truth is--- I don't really know what it really means.
But yes- I know what "running away" means. And in today's context its negative connotation is often substituted with the infamous phrase "I'm just moving on". No matter how much pillows you put on a thorn bush, its still going to hurt you eventually when you sleep on it. And you are plain annoying, you know that. Because you know that the only way to get rid of all the "if onlys" that plague your searing conscience is for you to "forget the past". There's no such thing. Like, who resolves an unpaid debt by making future resolutions like: "I'll pay up the next time I owe somebody else."?

I'm sure your debtor will applaud you for your "I can't pay up now, I've gotta move on now" future resolutions.

You mess up, you run. If you mess up again, you run. I'm pretty sure the earth doesn't run out of space by the time you die; but gee, what a massive series of short lives you actually live every time you try and "start over." Yeah; you do that to your job, your lovey dovey buddies, every time you have an argument, every time you get "bored of something".

Did I mention… you do that every time you mess up?

You, the idealistic lover
Your story is neither sad nor happy. How I wished that you could be bolder to love without always wanting to change things you see in someone? Isn't it obvious that sometimes the dichotomy of an imperfection is that it is both strength and a weakness as well? just as much as your ideals protects you from making cheap decisions, I am already starting to hate it when you're making me feel less as a person worth enough to earn your favor.

Yes.. there are many fishes in the sea; but I am only able to please one at a time.

You, living in the context of time
What is the impetus of you "waiting"? Sometimes you comfort your own loss by saying "the best is yet come.". But you've lost YOUR BEST, right at the very moment you utter those words. Just as much as you thought the things you had lasted forever, what makes you think your future is not as expendable as the present? Those words are the evidence of naivety and ignorance. Loss doesn't warrant you a future of better comfort; nor does it open doors to ideals. Patience does not reward those who bear it the very things they want.

You, the twisted beauty.
I hope you understand the insatiable hunger for beauty in a man starts of like a balanced diet. its is the bread of beauty, in without it we shall never be full; and also the wine of character; which disseminates a pleasing aroma that is undetectable with the naked eye. Time rots one and ages the other. So even as you think you've redeemed yourself today by the peanut-butter jelly sandwich nonsense you use to lure at other man-kids in the social playground- I hope that bottle of wine of yours is ready for the grown ups when your bread gets moldy.

Rejected Werk.

2008-07-21T14:58:00.006+08:00

Actually I've got tons of these, but I've decided to post these up for fun, since every now & then people have been asking me why don't I put up some of my fancy-wancy portfolio work.

Here's some stickers I've done for Teenacity. Constructed with Illustrator CS 3

Post-Boredomnism.

2008-07-15T00:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I do get bored with life. Fantasy is such an interesting depiction of reality.- but again it tells so much about what we really are.

I dreamed again. This time it was all about the whole world liking me. I could feel the respect and the influence in my words. the favor; the confidence and fearlessness. The security that I can walk anywhere I want and not hang my head down with any form of embarrassment. It really does feel good.

But somehow; even while having all that- I wasn't quite happy of myself. And that was enough to send myself feeling pretty uneasy about the whole thing.

Security is such a confusing thing. Its not about having something precious- Its about being assured that you will not loose it. And maybe thats the part of me now that I have to deal with. Probably I'm at the phase of being afraid that I'm not ready for so many things- not because I can't have them; but because I'm afraid I will eventually loose them because I'm not "good" enough to keep them.

I have a hard time characterizing what "good character" means. I always feel unready for so many things; yet I know that I will never be anyway. And that can be so annoying. Standards of what "good" constantly change; and its always disproportionate with my growth as a person. I guess that prevents me from being stagnant- but at the same time it also makes me less confident about things.

I'm bored of me. Bored of myself pursuing change. It really feels like I've never really arrived somewhere- because even the "newer" experiences seem somewhat recycled from either my old self- or from some other person. If you get what I mean.

and maybe I don't know what in the world I'm talking about.

rambut bodo.

2008-07-11T11:39:00.005+08:00

Last night I dreamed that I had this hairstyle.

Ever had those "Oh no I'm walking around the streets pantsless!" dreams? this was worst. I tried to comb it some other way, but it just stubbornly popped back into this look.

Is this a prophetic sign that I'm not suppose to cut my hair in a budget barber today?
jeng jeng jenggg...

First cut is the deepest.

2008-06-27T23:34:00.004+08:00

Today I passed by some makcik that warned her kid who was pushing a trolley higher than himself: " eh eh watch out for this uncle over here!"

uncle eh.

uncle.

suddenly my tulang rusuk felt wet. it almost felt like the words went in my ears, went under my throat down my lungs pass my salur darah and pierced right through my jantung.
memang tak perasan that I qualify.

s
o
b
e
t
y
s
o
b
s
.
.
.

Hari Ini...

2008-06-26T15:05:00.002+08:00

My opis got bau air liur kering. If you know how that smells like.... its like cheddar cheese.

well.. at least mine smells like cheddar cheese.

If you want to find out about your personal flava, try to jilat your own hand and air-dry it a few seconds then take a sniff. best time of the day to do that is right after you wake up.

weee...

I heart the Mac's phototaking features.

2008-06-21T23:55:00.005+08:00

THE HEROES.

Go GQA Team!

Gasp!

THE VILLIANS

this is what happens after 5:30pm.

Polyvore is addictive

2008-06-19T13:55:00.005+08:00

Yeaaah. be your own stylist & make your own clothe compositions at www.polyvore.com.
cantiks tak kombinasi saya? waha. Jangan main sampai lupa kerja tau.

bloo!

2008-06-19T01:00:00.000+08:00

goo!

Nomenclature of Emotions

2008-06-17T21:15:00.004+08:00

Life will never allow us to play the fictitious character we have in our minds. No, not even chance would save us this time. Because of all the thousand things that I wish I could've re-done; I might not have done the right thing after all. I mean; in this life where time operates in a linear fashion- I can only make one choice at a time.

And if I wish I could've said sorry to her; maybe it would be better if I wished to never to have to say that at all.

And if I wished to have not made any mistakes; maybe I wished that she would be also more perfect after all.

Or maybe I would wish that we'd never known each other. Or even if we did- how can I choose what good is to happen; or to allow which bad things that lead to good to happen?

Maybe we weren't ready for anything right; even if we did make the right choices.

I hate to say that I'm broken, because didn't every conscious choice I made came from the intention to fix things? Yet why do I feel less assured that things are going to get better everyday?

I'm so confused. Confused by what it means to be restored. Because we're so hurt we don't know what we want anymore. We feel neither anger nor pain nor love nor joy. No, its not even numbness, because how can you feel numb yet concurrently feel so intense as well?

Its emotional autism, I tell you.

It overwhelms you beyond the threshold of all human expression. And utter frustration that neither tears nor laughter nor paralysis nor rage can describe.

I think about you some days; but I don't know what I feel about you anymore.
But I still do.

How do you grow out of an emotion? Is it the same as growing out of the love of action figures? I can't even remember when I stopped playing them. I don't even know why I stopped playing them. I just did.
But I've never stop wanting to be a hero.

Maybe I'll never know why. And maybe I'll not even understand why & when I'll stop being the me that I am today.
But I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to love.

The stifling assurance of being loved.

2008-06-14T22:18:00.002+08:00

The blessing of oppression is as elusive as the curse of mental affluence; just as people would celebrate when the cruel shows mercy and detest when the nice shows disapproval.

This probably needs a little more elaboration- what I meant is that there is no middle ground of attitude tolerance as long as one learns to embrace another's character; for example- If you have a very cranky, demanding, loud, insensitive and unreasonably rude boss/teacher: as soon as one becomes numb to that kind of ill treatment, any amount of grace they show- no matter how scarce that seems to be will be a celebration point for you. On the contrary, we would feel unusually offended when we are turned down/told off by "nice" people (in reference to people of position).

I have 2 thoughts in regards to this: that 1- there is no such thing as the "average person"; because people are always imbalanced and inadequate. But generally speaking, great stories are usually found in different relationships & friendships when there is a journey of seeing the beauty of people rather than the discovery of "the ugly side".

I guess people need to be aware. Aware, because growing to "love the people we hate" must be intentional and not "accidental"- like how the old saying goes to "be careful with the people you hate, cuz you might end up liking the person" and other nonsense like that. And that people must also not get too discouraged when we find that our "ideal person" isn't that ideal at all.

2nd thought- is that being loved is equally as blind as love itself. Being loved can sometimes make us think we're adequate, even when we're not. Crudely put, thats why bimbos remain as bimbos and never progress in morality & character. And I can be a "bimbo" myself every time I think I'll always be forgiven, always be loved, and that God will always give me what I want.

Having said that , we always need a mirror. People can help only if we bother to look. And what brings us out for who we are, whether good or bad, are the best times to evaluate.

weee. I finally finished the long abandoned post.

wee.

2008-06-13T16:19:00.001+08:00

for the department's reference.

Hate day.

2008-06-11T23:37:00.002+08:00

twas a good day for a moment until evening came. Work can be a drag when you're attending a class with people you don't like. Its quite a rare moment that I have to deal with people I don't like; because usually when I meet them its rather easy just to avoid them.
And of all the people I can think of; I think the only people that rub against me is people that treat me with contempt.

Now students that treat me with contempt. oooh.

And I make no apologies even if by somehow, someway that they might get their eyes into this blog. Because ultimately people have to learn the simple thing called respect. And since my colleagues are having the same problem with this bunch; I conclude that its nothing personal.

Yeah; its just a small bunch that really gets into you. while there are people in this class I really think are quite cool; some I think are totally unacceptable. Students that hail you like a waiter. students that respond sarcastically. Students that make noise and pay no attention to whats going on in front. Yep. I've got this bunch all here in this class.

Now for any of the reasons stated above should I remain smiling in class as if everything's all right? Of course I'll give you the no-nonsense face.

Having said that; I took a glance at what the future may be like. Given enough time; we all see the good in people. Might be a mutual thing; might not- but in retrospect usually tensions would ease after a while. And when we're (the educators) in the upperhand- whether we like it or not; its up to us to try to bring out the best in these bunch of kids.

Super hiatus from anything intellectual.

2008-06-09T23:24:00.006+08:00

Yeah I noticed I've been putting off quite a lot of thoughts that I think I ought to post here. Life has been relatively nice to live by; busy most times and never totally relieved from distressing moments of any sort; its been 6 months already since I've started my postgrad studies and I must say it has been a miracle! Maybe a little sense of pride has crept in after I received my results, but nevertheless all glory to God that despite my rather psychotic schedule, I still manage to get a commendation & top my class in one of the modules.

Despite the looks, I'm not a nerd. I love Transformers, but thats about it. I'm pretty retarded in anything technological & technical, sad to say this pseudo-geek shell houses a pretty average person with average skills and average intellect. However I tell my colleagues and my home members that despite that; my looks might be a good thing cause according to the popular belief, hot babes are usually paired with pork-chops, while the studs get the grubs. I enjoy a little bit of self grooming every now & then, but have embraced the fact that ugly men have to try reaaaaallllyy, reallllly hard to look better with the different clothes they wear, while the good looking men can wear a pair of shorts and a singlet and still look juicy hot.
No?
look at the studs on the billboards and magazines. They look good in everything except maybe, a dress.

speaking of beauty; as a male I feel highly challenged.

Its quite an important aspect to choose a partner with my physical preferences; I think there's something Bibical in that. Somehow I believe God approves that; though I also pray for maturity not to neglect other aspects worth in the long haul. Mom asked me the other day- what if one day your daughter feels that she's not beautiful enough? how do you instill God's identity in her?

I can't answer her because I don't have a daughter. 2nd of all I don't know what made her (my imaginary daughter) feel that way. If its really because she's ugly in the eyes of the world and that she can't find any guy liking her- there's no amount of me talking that's going to make her feel better. I can't help her find a man that embraces her looks.

Identity is somewhat deep. it can be taught; but only God awakens it.

I told my mom that there are some things that only God can give. The realisation of a different kind of beauty is quite complex especially if its beyond the physical aspect or something less focused in the world.

I wish that the younger ladies would choose to refrain from condemning men as shallow creatures merely because they're prone to being visual. The beauty of a girl to a man is as fleeting as the whimsical charms of a man to a girl. Like it or not, looks like we're on common ground.

And on another note:

I joined the doodles & dreamscape doodle competition

my first entry

It didn't get through the Honorable mentions

But my 2nd entry did. sad but true. human taste is something really funny.

winning entry.

For RM29.

2008-06-02T18:56:00.003+08:00

Finally, an appropriate accessory to compliment my les paul playing.
sweet.

The stifling assurance of being loved.

2008-05-30T00:22:00.001+08:00

weegwekpwoek

Major Upgrade.

2008-05-12T23:28:00.004+08:00

my skills have dramatically improved over the night.

soon its gonna be the real thing.

Joy comes in a form of a box called PYSSLA.

2008-05-10T23:34:00.004+08:00

Sunil keychain.

muka sial.

2008-05-09T23:31:00.000+08:00

Some people say I've got muka sombong.
muka action. muka buat-tak-tau. muka garang. muka marah.
muka good boi. muka budak rajin. muka innocent.
muka orang sopan. muka mommy's boi. muka pendiam.
muka kuda. muka pepperoni. muka orang korean. muka orang jepun.

whatever muka I have, its always not good enough. I'm not too good in non-verbals. I guess thats what defines a nerd.

hah.

The weird question.

2008-05-02T00:10:00.003+08:00

Yeah... so I asked God the other day, "Lord, do you take pleasure & the glory in creating viruses, like those HIV STD H5N1 killer types?"

so I think I heard God asked back: " Do I take the glory in creating the demons?"

I think I got the point. God didn't created things in its corrupted form... sometimes its not good to blame God for all the bad things around us.

Tried, Tired, Retired.

2008-04-26T10:13:00.003+08:00

I would be lying if I said I've never doubt one day my answer would be "Well done my good & faithful servant". I would be lying if I said I'm always assured that I will never be one of those weeping & gnashing my teeth in the outer darkness wondering what went wrong with my life. I would also be lying if I said I knew what "strength" meant when I prayed for it, and whether I knew exactly the co-relation between God and a changed life.

And most probably; I never will be. Not with this life- where you're just trying to work out so many parts of you- the good & the bad, the guilt and the glory and try to piece together your life and how it would be called to account one day.

I still don't really know the logic behind why people say that ever since God came into their lives they've changed- because people DO change, and whether they are sure what influenced them is totally a subjective claim. Just maybe, if I were to assume God does "exist" in their context, then I'm increasingly convinced that divine intervention may take place in natural ochesteration. If it does... then.. doesn't everybody experience that anyway?

I've learned something about christianity in the midst of this unbelief. That christianity must be secular, and having divine backing doesn't mean that we are meant to dominate our world.

Secular, because all the rubbish I have is found there.
I find many things about me in real life an absolute nonsense. When you're trying to live up to this expectation as 'the better breed of people", I find more need to really stop blaming my past because the "past" IS getting abit longer by the days, and together with that, all the mistakes.

Then they have this idea about forgiveness and unconditional love, that helps me pick up my pieces, makes me think that we are "reborn", and start all over with a clean slate again.

But when things start to go wrong again, somehow I revert. I try hard not to think back of the past because they try not to do the very things they regret doing before. And yet for some unknown reason; I still do get tempted to give in. And yes, thats the time I feel like hiding the most; because I have really nothing much to shout about anymore.

Sometimes being in church doing all the things people do together with "the better breed of people" merely pacifies my tendancy to revert. I really wish I could say I was a better person ever since I've signed for a membership of the "christian weekend recreation & country club" and that attendance to the clubhouse of the church was not a retreat till Monday comes where I consider myself back in "reality".

I don't think that I'm a better person at all. But sometimes it feels good to be a person again and not another breed of people; because at least I consider myself with mistakes and feelings; and I don't have to feel indestructable as a christian... like nothing can ever come in my way of living the "right way"- perhaps that feeling only comes when we've been so hurt by everything that came by.

I write this today beacuse many of us are prepared to consider hiding in the secular. and there is where we hope God really finds us and we finding Him without the need of "institutionalized coverage" from the church. What a shame to those who consider us lost causes in the midst of that.

In the secular, I never felt whole.

And neither will I feel whole anywhere else. But by God's grace- I want to live as a person- victoriously defeated yet not lost. Theres much unmerited favor to be found in that.

like, totally man.

2008-04-16T16:27:00.002+08:00

I hate surgery.

The incapacitating lingering pain after that, coupled with a touch of manja-ness, totally ruins your day.

sobs.

On another note, if find that Friendship, is one of the highest calling of love that tops even romance & family.

ney?

I know that there tends to be this over-glorifying of agape love aka unconditional love as the dangling carrot of every known relationship- but to even love as friends isn't as easy as anyone could think. Most important loves are held together by covenant or oaths- Marriage for example, are held by the commitment to love- whereas the love within a family, is also held together by "default"- as in it never starts as a freewill- but by divine appointment. Friendship? You can choose to quit anytime. Your choice to love as a friend, is sustained forever by freewill.

How do friends stay together? heck I don't know. but I know that the choice to love without the need to tie to some commitment amazes me. Of course some people cop out. But to choose not to do so- Christ has called it "the no greater love"; For a friend to lay down his/her life for another.

A friend once told me that she doesn't like people claiming Jesus being their "boyfriend".

Me too.

I think such people are as good as disillusioned adults with imaginary friends.

Shame-Shame (with both index fingers swiping across your cheeks repetitively).

2008-04-07T23:29:00.005+08:00

Its always a great thought to be able to do some big time noble "whoever is the greatest shall be servant for all" thing- Today I've got a gist of how that really feels, even before I haven't started doing anything yet.

I told a few friends that if stopped teaching, I would love doing some odd job like serving food in some mamak, or doing some not executive job; just to have a taste of how it feels like to be a servant. It does sound exciting... but today I learnt that a servant is not what we do-

Its who we are that makes a servant.

For the past week, during lunch breaks around Sunway Pyramid- twice I was mistaken as some shop attendant. Heck, I didn't think something was wrong with my dressing, 'cuz my clothes were so different compared to the real shop attendants. One college chick asked me about the pants sizes; today at another shop some uncle asked me about some belts.

while during both instances I acted calmly, and at the uncle I smiled and directed him to the real bloke, inwardly I was like "Heck! dooooood, open your eyes and see man, which part of me actually looks like I'm your minion, standing there waiting for you to choose your stuff man. I'm like, looking though the same stuff as you are old geezer..."

and to the college chick, I was thinking: "Man if only you signed up for the One Academy, you'll be bowing down to me calling me "Sir" than asking me for your pants size."

then today after work, I decided to pump major iron.

Part of my mind was a bit bothered by my colleague's uncalled statement, stating that she thinks I've got problem with my calculation, since I don't understand how "worth it" it is to spend 40++ Ringgit for a lunch buffet spread in Shogun. As much as I thought of how retarded that statement sounded coming from a 30 year old woman who'd always complain about her finances, little did I realise the greater danger lying ahead of me. there was this little chain barricade that I had to cross over, and what usually was a simple leap nearly caused my demise as I underestimated the height of the chain-link. my leg got caught in between those swinging iron contraptions of doom and sent me plunging into humiliation towards the rocky pavement.... in front of a bunch of malay chicks.

Thank God for jeans. Without them my knees would've looked like I stepped on a landmine.

In my mind I was thinking: "Shucks.... man I sure did look like an idiot. Like, they'd prolly think "ahaha lawak betul mamat cina nie, can't even cross a chain properly. Looosaah!"

Looser. Thats how I felt then.

The the other part of me thought: "Actually... do I even care what they think? So what If I'm a loser? Everybody falls down anyway, I just didn't catch THEM at their most humiliating moment to laugh back at them."

I felt better after that... but I think there's a greater lesson behind this whole thing.

The first few encounters of me being misunderstood as a shop dude, showed me that I wasn't prepared to serve if I prized my position. I hid behind my intellectual facade as a professional, having qualifications and respect as an educator. I hid behind my presumptions that I'm earning a higher paid job that this part time SPM qualified no-brainer position that even George of the jungle could take up with his eyes left back at the Amazon. I was offended because I THOUGHT I was better than a job like that.

My fall showed me that I was actually thought it wasn't ok to look like a looser.

Actually, I'll rephrase that. Its sometimes cool to be a looser. But it was never cool to be do things that would make you unpopular.

There are people who serve because they think they have nothing of "value" that they can hide behind. True servants have nothing to hide. They live in spite of the value they have; whether they rule the milky way or sleep with juicy cockroaches- and that really takes a God eyed-view of oneself to be able to achieve.

I think its inevitable that we crave positive attention. Choosing the unpopular path, sometimes would mean we would gain unjustly contempt & disrespect. I think that's a very hard trade-off to gain servanthood.

Servants are not marked by what they do, whether they work in mamaks or toilets or the Palace. They're are marked by who they serve, and it is almost never.... self.

I think... I've got much to learn.

Mixed Feelings.

2008-04-05T23:52:00.003+08:00

I've got many comments regarding this shirt i just got.

homo shirt. (with Pastor Andy flamboyantly sweeping his fingers around his right angled wrist asking me:" so what you're doing tonight?")
Grandma Patterned shirt.
Curtain.
Auntie blouse.
Cool shirt.
Funky shirt.

so what do I think?

I think its cheap.
For RM20, even my grandma would buy it.

And here are the 5 top joys of the week.
1) I've renewed my overdue driving license! (without being found out)
2) I've had 7 hours of sleep everyday!
3) I've got money for clothes!
4) My students are still loving what they do (well... most of them)
5) My pastor loves his wife... alot. (he keeps telling me that)

I know... sometimes its hard to be as intensely joyful over these things compared to the grumbles that I have.
owh well.

I told my pastor that being "real" doesn't exist in my vocab. because its unattainable. To be real, is when the good/evil that we want to do matches up with what we're capable of materializing.

but no, that doesn't happen alot of times; hence we're feeling "fake".
arh wells.

a short one.

2008-03-31T09:38:00.004+08:00

Its a new day today; & I've haven't updated my blog for quite a while.

Abby says that my recent blog posts made me sound quite emo.

Thanks. at least that broke my hiatus from blogging.
I'm summing up my thoughts in 10 simple points (for the other blog scanners out there).
I call them.... the 2/3 majority.

happy-
1) Knowing that God is too big not to love me.
2) The sound & smells of fresh strings on my guitar.
3) The tingling sound of fruit flavored jelly beans in an oral solution bottle.
4) Having blessed with double the salary within 3 years of my career life in Malaysia's lowest paid (gasp!) industry.
5) That friends are having their prayers answered.
6) That my family loves the Lord.
7) That (most of the time) I'm with the people that I love.

crappy-
8) That most days my actions don't really match up to what I really want to do.
9) For saying sorry over & over again for the same mistakes.
10) I really loathe administrative work.

so... does that make me a happy man now?
I'm amazed by this profound text:
" Why is it so easy to be secure when we think we have everything together? shouldn't true security be defined in the midst of everything in life falling apart?- an question, left unanswered."

The whole process of knowing that God still loves us; is quite a complicated one. Some days we demand that He be with us; even though that's the place He wouldn't go.
We're masters of child-like tantrums over child-like faith.

Ah so fake.

2008-03-16T23:10:00.009+08:00

Sadly I have to admit that- as much as I want to, my ideals don't really match up to all my actions at this moment.
There's a thin line between aiming for perfection & aiming to do what's right; the former is quite dependent on who's standard we're trying to live up to- the other is more of a discipline. I'm doing quite terrible in the way I relate to people nowadays- Its probably not my forte that I could establish a distance, and at the same time encouraging a manageable expectation level.

The incredulous stares I get from my superficial condescensions, is a sign. I'm quite a niche market conversationalist- in which, if you're not interested in talking to me, basically you most probably think I'm a boring person. & I just can't talk to people who don't want to talk to me- I guess its because people are just waiting to be amused (which I'm terribly bad in performing as an Icebreaker) and I just am not good in doing that.

Thats why I don't like getting sent to the ACTSPresso (hospitality) corner.

I had probably one of the worst dinners with a female friend from church last week.

I was hesitant at first but I guess a casual one won't hurt. after all; she was alone & we bumped into each other- it would be utterly weird if I were to exclude myself & hid in a corner doing dinner with me & my wandering thoughts.

I thought maybe hormones might help me muster confidence in speaking. Sadly; it was pounded to smithereens by her apathetic notions & unassuring responses.
I had to admit, I was a bit tired- and my attempts of trying to strike a conversation was to hope that she speaks so that I can listen... and also chew my food.

Owh well. I concluded that our conversation is dead in the water. I was a bit judgmental, thinking that her long years of being stuck with the same boyfriend has stunted her skills of relating to other guys... or basically she just doesn't give a hoot about any other males out there thats just trying to be a normal friend. Ngah! yeah but of course whether its true or not... it doesn't matter anymore.

I find that there's no such thing as "efficiency" in dealing with people.

Efficiency are for tasks- Empathy is for people. Building relationships means wasting alot of time. Its a messy business because its annoying. Nobody thinks the same way as other people do; and even if they do- they take things with a different degree of seriousness. Its easy to respect people who have the same wavelength- but it takes maturity to respect people who are completely different- especially those who are incapacitated by complacency or stubbornness.
-I flipped open my organizer to see the list of people I need to follow up on.
zzzzz.

Yes; I have to admit that it is an unfortunate "waste of time". Because people are never simple creatures; and if you honestly ask yourself "whats in it for me if I cared?" the answer is - absolutely nothing.

Thats the highest calling for service- because we ought to serve those that have no capacity to repay us. Contrary to most that hope God pats us in the back by other means; sometimes the best gifts are only rewarded in heaven.

Totally unattractive, because my perception of heaven is rather skewed.

Yes I'm treating God & Heaven like a pie in the sky nowadays.

People have been asking for my prayers. I feel really awkward because even I haven't been talking to God as much lately. Yeah I do pray, but I've kind of lost the conversation factor. I recite the usual but never really talked.
It feels like a politician giving standard templates of speeches- all promises with heartfelt convictions yet baseless if we don't live by what we say.
so when I pray I think He hears.... but I feel a deep sigh coming from Him; I think there's so much more I've been missing out lately.

Grace.

I'm living in it... the more I learn about it, the more I realise that the God I serve is incomprehensible. I slack, sin & shun; yet God does not smite me with a bolt of lightning, nor does the earth crack open to eat me up, nor does fire comes down from my ceiling and consume my stinking security blanket.

I've been asking the wrong "whys" lately.
I ask God "why" for the bad things that happen but never "why" for the things that are important. "why am I working in TOA", "why this family", "why these friends", "why ACTSChurch".

If only I really believe that all these have a reason that is important to me; maybe other questions would be answered as well.

Disappointment.

Yes, recently everybody complains that I am too busy for them. Its true.. I am busy; but its really by choice. I choose the things to take up; and together with that, other choices get chosen by default as well. I don't think I always make the right choices; but I think before I feel challenged by anyone-I've got to get back kamcheng-ing with God first.

Sleep.

And yet another day.

2008-03-08T01:23:00.002+08:00

Every day seems common from afar though its really as unique as a snowflake up close.

I do field trips every semester. they are basically:
self motivated, loose, directionless, no-fun and a no-brainer

unless you make it work for yourself, intentionally.

Malacca.

So many memories I wish I couldn't recall; or at least- felt a bit less intense if I did. I think I've changed. but I wonder what would I remember about this place 10 years from now. would I have wished that I never lived for that moment; or I would still think those days taught me the most important lessons I needed to know?

vague, I know.

He's not an asshole.

2008-02-27T00:30:00.005+08:00

I don't usually condone such vulgarities, but some days I just lack the proper description.

Its coming to the season of lent. This time we're having 21 days of prayer & fasting and I'm just starting to wonder what can I do this year to make it significant. The first thing that struck me (and usually do when I think about God); was my perspective of Him. Why in the world do I have to fast anyway? Do I really think He's like an asshole boyfriend who'd harass a girl with stuff like:
"If you love Me you would give this up" or
"Do this if you really care", or
"You don't really show that you care unless you give me a blow job."

I guess I don't really believe in God anymore if the lent is all about that.

I remember the long dark nights in tears & in prayers groping for direction & justice. Some of them still seem unanswered. Some days I hope the future me doesn't end up hating myself, wishing that if I were to put it all together, pack up & leave the faith earlier I wouldn't end up hurt & disappointed by the candy God wasn't interested of giving me because its "things of the world". Why should I even care about a God that redundantly places us on planet earth, tells us that its ok for us to enjoy a bit of that, but then tells us to not love anything on it? If He calls me to live by the principle of walking by faith & not by sight, then what correction I can give to the man who gazes crystal balls but has no explanation to how it works? What about the abortion of a child Lord? Kids that get ripped apart in their mother's womb. How does that link to"Thy will be done" huh?

Some days I just wish I knew. I hate to admit that I couldn't really answer some of these questions. Why I didn't get the job I wanted. Why my granddad had to die. Why my cousin's running away from her abusive husband. Why the girl I thought I would marry has now burned bridges with me. I've prayed hard, & I've prayed till my eyes dried out.

& I remember that the lent is not about the things & the answers you get after the 21 days.
The fasting shows ourselves who we really are when we have nothing. Its about us wanting to do the right things. Its about us being the right person. Its about us knowing our position, and knowing that we can't see 10 specks of ugly sand to conclude that the entire beach is ugly.

& when we position ourselves right; the right things will come, and it won't fall into the wrong hands- us.

beh-chuh-lur par-teh.

2008-02-23T00:36:00.003+08:00

Today we threw a party for my mentor.

had lots of yummy food, then we adjoured to his house for some sharing & trashing. It was fun; and when it came to a time where some of us had to share something "fruitful".

It was a time I myself reminscent of the past- how he brought me through my own difficult times; how I choose to involve him in my journey; how he knew almost everything about my love life & how I knew a portion of his.

Been 6 years; seeing him go through his rough times & coming up to today- I told him that if I knew better; I wouldn't trade the girl he's marrying for anyone else. I mean; if I were to be in his shoes lah, that is.

We tend to describe the one we want to spend our life with as "the best".
But what if; you're not exactly one of those who's made it with only one mate? Does that mean that after you come out of a relationship; The one you're going to marry is technically, your ex's "scrap?".

I use to ask myself that. Owh shame on me. It turns out that I'm someone else's scrap from the past & the future one mistakes me for their best. what a compromise. Hah.

Yeah so i guess the consolation of "someone/thing better" will come along isin't exactly foolproof. Had many instances of dialogues with God. Much on what He responded was for me to know that its not exactly about the someone else better thats going to come along; but the someone better thats suppose to come out within us. Not all losses pave way for better things. Some losses make us better people if we embrace its lessons. So generally it answers the question of "am I someone else's scrap?" Answer's no mainly because when we choose God, we automatically choose to be the better person God wants us to be. In time what use to be our rough edges, becomes something of a refined gem. So how can we be scrap then?

I can't really say its a personal commitment to be a better person either. Sometimes I think; its also God's commitment to the other one thats praying for a person like us. (or a person that we're going to be)- That He's the one fabricating & fashioning our hearts collectively, partnering with us. The big picture that God has, is big. What He doesn't reveal does not mean that He's ignorant in working out an answer for us. But never hope on the "one"person, nor think that its the matter of time. Hope on God, and its really a matter of God.

bookoo bookoo yang direkommended.

2008-02-19T22:46:00.002+08:00

Sometime in my mid twenties I woke up and began asking a question that few people, especially Christians dare to ask aloud; "Is this all there is?" I loved my work, I loved my friends, and I loved God, but I couldn't help wondering if there was something more. This longing for more, in a society that seemed to offer much, couldn't be quenched. My questions grew into discontentment and finally discouragement. Some days, and this is hard for anyone- especially someone in the church-to admit, I felt depressed. Chapter 2, pg 29.

"The most important thing about being in your twenties isin't figuring out what you're going to do, but figuring out who you are" pg 64.

This book me likey.

This wan below also.

I pokai. but I'm hepi customer. Click to view larger image & read the belakangs punya sinopsis!

Escapism & demonic prayers.

2008-02-16T23:11:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wish I could run away from everything.

The assurance of being loved is so powerful. It almost takes away the pressure to perform, It puts us through hell in a heaven minded state, assuring us that everything is going to be alright in the end.

Sometimes I look for that security somewhere else, forgetting that I am already loved.
Maybe this whole issue about feeling loved, is quite a complex thing. After all; we love to put others in the fault when they don't give us that. and the other argues that its our responsibility to acknowledge that assurance.

arh wells.

I'm pissed with the turnover rate in churches.
Many people walk out the door everyday thinking that they're different. But to me they're just the same. Today during our evangelical event, I tried acting like an asshole. Patronising, acting cynical, avoiding crowds, sitting at the back seat, not being responsive of what's happening in front. In my mind looking forward to nothing, yet thinking of what I can do after service. Then finding opportunity to sneak out to the toilets at the programmes I don't feel like participating. getting bored with the same old jokes. thinking:"yeah like as if; all your laughing is so programmed". and after that, judging the whole event based on the people, based on the inefficiency, based on my theology, based on my mood.

yea its so easy to walk out anytime if you act like everything's crap.

Everytime I fall into this mode I become more angry than before. The lies of the devil seem more "real" than the joy of salvation. One day after going through my whole mode of emo-ism I'll probably come out with a statement like "owh no, I don't hate God, nor deny His existance... I just don't feel anything about Him". That puts us in a place worst than a demon. Demons do pray- Legion pleaded mercy, and with humility he did it by using the words "beseeched". that means they recognise the deity of Christ, & its own position as a created being under submission of the Creator. All they lack, is the love for Christ.

And we who posses neither love nor recognise our position; are more dillusioned than being "real".

We're not being the Christians we wish to see ain't we? Means to say we are also being someone else's reason for backsliding. But God loves us anyway. He loves us so much that He sent someone to save us while he threw a third of his angels down to hell with no redemption plan.

sometimes we need to quit being an asshole.

Lagu.

2008-02-16T00:58:00.002+08:00

God Behind My Bedroom Door

Evan Yan

V1
I thought this was the way to live
Candy smiles to melt the chocolate hearts
All the pleasantries became my ministry
A public declaration to please the audience of one
Has my journey with You really begun

Chorus
God behind my bedroom door
You know me to the core
God behind my bedroom door
You know who I’m really living for
All of that which I need to live or loose
I cast it to You because I don’t know how to choose
I want to choose You
Lord, help me choose You

V2
These hands that stretch to give
Opens wider to see what I can get
All my impossibilities, remains an anomaly
Though testimonies abound for the small things that come around
Has my faith in You really begun

Bridge
Never a life of conformity,
Giving away its amenities
So help this mind of mine
Not just prove but truly approve Your will

Sigh.

2008-02-12T23:47:00.000+08:00

Some days, I feel so discouraged by people who choose to be blind even though the answer is so obvious.

It takes a miracle only for you to realise.